BANNED USER: personal antagonism
>Unban in 0d 21h 52m
lagrangian
No bio...
User ID: 2268
Banned by: @Amadan
Had a second date today. She's great. I mean, great. Just objectively an obscene number of things in common, but different enough to be interesting, and the chemistry was there. Never felt this way really, although one other time was in the ballpark (...and then I moved out of state).
Unfortunately, she learned today that she's "definitely" leaving the state for work related reasons, permanently, in a month. If I had any sense, I'd've walked away when she gave me this news, early on in the date, along with the suggestion that I do so. Instead, I'm going to just ignore this fact, I guess, despite my dating goal being "a very serious relationship at a minimum" - next date Saturday. Why ignore this fact? Well:
-
there's some reasons (omitted for anonymity) to believe it's more "probably" than "definitely"
-
genuinely enjoying the dates
-
market research
And it's not even a "well, let's at least get laid" kind of thing (or I'd just text my ex instead of being back on the apps...). I wouldn't be shocked if we do sleep together, but I might actually try not to, in the interest of not getting hurt more than necessary. Might, anyway.
At a minimum, I think I've just found the bar by which future secretarial interviews will be judged. At a maximum, hell, I work remotely and make rash decisions sometimes - maybe I leave the state, too. I "definitely" won't do that. Even if she stays, I think long term she leaves, but by that point it'd be not crazy to imagine following.
I do in fact realize the above is rashly strong, I really do. The saner takeaway here is that I should approach dating more seriously, more optimistically, and with higher standards - women like that do exist. But damn, if not for the atomization of society, the tendency of high achievers to move around so much; if we'd met in some small town before the internet, the outcome would, with reasonable probability, be the obvious and happy one.
I did some napkin math. With 3.5M people in my greater metro area (~1 hour driving radius), I estimate 22 potential matches (though she clears a bar more than a bit higher):
| constraint | frequency | dating pool |
|-------------|-----------|-------------|
| human | | 3500000 |
| female | 2 | 1750000 |
| 25-34 | 5 | 350000 |
| 99% iq | 100 | 3500 |
| attractive | 3 | 1167 |
| attracted | 3 | 389 |
| politics | 2 | 194 |
| single | 3 | 65 |
| personality | 3 | 22 |
I can't decide if 22 is good news or not. I lean "good news" but finding 'em is a bit elusive.
lagrangian
7mo ago
ChatGPT and Bard, mostly the former, unpaid version, through browser. Sample transcript on the diamond problem in C++ multiple inheritance: https://chat.openai.com/share/603e851e-daa0-4c4b-81d7-1b8332897694
lagrangian
7mo ago
I don't find them enormously useful, but two specific uses for me:
- when reading a textbook, ask it to explain some passage (e.g. on a weird C++ detail) (usually helpful)
- write code in some language/framework, given approximately that code in another language/framework (hit or miss)
lagrangian
7mo ago
Rent vs buy math is difficult to impossible. If you can budget the house, and it'll make you happy, do it.
I got sick of landlords and wanted nice versions of things (air conditioner, kitchen appliances), so I did it. I also (correctly) assumed it'd make me finally put more effort into meeting people instead of moving cities constantly optimizing my career. Was it the right move financially? I won't know until I sell, and even then it's hard to include everything.
I just tell myself that it's at least non-disprovably a good choice and that the (uh, overly generalized) efficient market hypothesis says it should be similar to renting.
lagrangian
7mo ago
Back when there was a bug allowing you to download tracks from a number of streaming sites, I programmatically downloaded the full discography of ~every artist I'd ever liked on Pandora/Youtube Music. Stored on ZFS, served via plex, and, naturally, totally ignored in favor of Youtube Music.
Consider places ~an hour from LA or San Diego. This takes you down a notch on cost of living, at the primary cost of being farther from exciting things to do, which some of your suggestions about more remote places tell me you might not super prioritize. Still not cheap, but home ownership is plausible at 250k/yr if you prioritize it. At the same time, you're close enough that if you build a life but decide you need to be more central (e.g. for special schools), it's not the end of the world to commute or make a small move.
Beautiful, great weather, lots of hiking, active rat community, plenty of smart young people (albeit not SF/NY/Boston levels).
E.g. Fallbrook/Julian/Camarillo.
Feel free to PM if you want more details on my similar search a couple years back.
lagrangian
7mo ago
Meta: the overall negative scores on most of my participation on this topic is fascinating. The categories are very fuzzy and my arguments were clearly not perfect, but I would have guessed mild positive. Thoroughly enjoyed the back and forth, all, even having "lost."
Double meta: downvotes are not supposed to be disagree buttons, in theory, but I think we use them mostly that way...and I like it.
lagrangian
7mo ago
The key difference is that only in the rape story has anything been done to her by someone else.
When driving, the damage is to the pole. Heck, let's say she ("S") kills someone else ("E"). S has violated E's rights, so S should be prosecuted for murder (or property damage to the pole). No one did anything to S, except insomuch as S did it to herself, so no one should be prosecuted (or held morally responsible) for anything that happened to S.
When S is raped, the damage is entirely to S. This was done to her by someone ("R"[apist]), who should be prosecuted. Debateably, S did something to herself too, but undebateably (well, it is themotte, but I feel pretty good about this one), there is the key difference that something was done to S in this one.
Further, in my version of the setup, she really hasn't decided to sleep with the nerd ("can't count to ten"). Past some level of drunk, you're on autopilot, and anyone who steers you transgresses. So yes, I absolutely do deny people agency once they are blackout drunk. I put that agency in the hands of society/morality to protect them. Enormously practical? No, so go be monogamous and sober, but still better than a free-for-all on drunk coeds.
lagrangian
7mo ago
I think the disconnect is somewhere in which sets are equal vs subsets of "consented" "said yes but was much drunker" "was much drunker but I didn't realize", but have lost the thread of exactly what.
lagrangian
7mo ago
I have at no point intended my comments to be gendered, although I have almost certainly said man (by which I meant less drunk/larger) and woman (by which I meant more drunk/smaller). Heck, apply it to nonbinary dragonkin.
So, we may agree on ~everything.
lagrangian
7mo ago
h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6{font-size:inherit;}
Literally less legible than assembly. Thanks.
lagrangian
7mo ago
If you have to ask, the answer is no. I.e., I think the moral thing is to view the default as "no consent" and require positive evidence to move to "consent." If you can't count to ten, you can't give that evidence. I don't even think that's overdone liberal nonsense, of which there's a lot on this subject.
Concretely, if she's so much drunker than me and hotter than me that I can not picture her feeling less than grossly violated tomorrow, then the sex feels very rapey. If I think we're both buzzed and we might both feel a little gross about it tomorrow, then shrug, she made her choices.
I in practice solve these complex moral dilemmas by being old, boring and sober. It's remarkable how much complex modern feminist 'BUT WHAT IS CONSENT EXACTLY' goes away if you allow the answer to be even as serious as "a thing two people who are multiple dates do while sober".
lagrangian
7mo ago
I mean I can imagine the framework, insomuchas axioms are axioms, but are you saying you think the 30/9 case is, or can reasonably be argued to be, closer to fraud than rape? If so, I disagree, but it's just marginally within the realm of things I could imagine reasonable people thinking.
lagrangian
7mo ago
That all seems reasonable. What is the current status of French law?
lagrangian
7mo ago
No, but I don't think the analogy tells us much. They are certainly both destruction of property, even if only one is arson-y; similarly in the rape side of the analogy both are rape, even if only one is violent-y.
(There's a weaker argument I could add that both forms of rape are violent, but that's sufficiently far into repurposing words that I won't stand by it real strongly.)
lagrangian
7mo ago
Plus, of course, the guy in this situation has probably also been drinking.
The hypothetical as I am thinking about it is that the man is knowingly much less drunk. If everyone is very drunk, I think that's less of rape and more of "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" all around.
There's a word for a guy who consistently engages in that sort of reasoning (not just in this particular case, but in general) and that word is "virgin"
I think your point stands for a smallish group of those you're describing, "white knight" types, who should yes in fact move in the drunker/less-rigidly-consent-requiring direction.
But, in general, I prefer the word "adult." I found dating got exponentially easier as I started advertising being a ~sober, boring, responsible adult instead of being maximally able to consume booze/etc.
lagrangian
7mo ago
statutory rape is very much not rape
To be clear, are you espousing the belief that an adult (e.g. a 30 year old man) is in no way morally transgressing to have sex with an enthusiastic twelve year old? Nine year old? Toddler?
lagrangian
7mo ago
controversial
I don't think the moral importance of age of consent in general is controversial even on here. Don't get me wrong, I'd welcome any interesting discussion you'd like to have here.
But, I think the fact on the ground is that while posters would disagree on exact ages, allowances across cultures, etc, most people think there should be some age and/or age-gap that makes it definitionally impossible to consent.
lagrangian
7mo ago
getting taken advantage of
I think a key detail here is that alcohol is a helluva drug. It's quite easy, especially as a smaller, younger woman to overestimate your tolerance. Either of you also might not know what's in the punch exactly, or how long you hit the keg.
So, the ethical thing is to look at the person as you're getting to bed and ask "ok, but really, is it OK to have sex here?" I think if she'd never in a million years have sex with you after a moderate amount of alcohol, no. If in the heat of the moment and a bit buzzed, she'd probably have said yes, you're at least in grey territory, potentially fine, depending on the details.
lagrangian
7mo ago
If she's "too drunk to count to ten" let alone passed out, it strikes me as very similarly morally to rape-at-knifepoint. Not quite as bad, but not "obnoxious liberal word expansion" levels of different.
I'm curious, to any older commenters especially: does usage like this of "rape" strike you as euphemism treadmill, or is this just the natural range of the word? I suspect it's the latter, but maybe I'm young(ish). I'd think to use "rape" for the above and knife-point when that detail isn't central, and say "violent rape" when the knife (/threat/etc) is central to the discussion.
I love the new site UI, even relative to old.reddit. But, I miss two RES features:
- custom user tags
- the net upvotes I've given a user
Are either/both of these plausible from a scaling standpoint? I'm a backend dev with some spare time the next few weeks and happy to take a stab at 'em. If so, maybe point me to where to start digging?
See e.g.:
Edit: I poked around the codebase. I forget this is generally simpler when not in FAANGland. Looks doable, I'm going to see about a prototype over the next few days, starting with #1. I still haven't thought about scaling, but again I suspect the answer is this is not FAANGland, it'll be fine. If we can manage the 'new comment' markers, surely this is doable, too.
lagrangian
7mo ago
Meta: I dislike giant bold text. Is there a setting to disable this, custom CSS or something? Super not a frontend person...
Russian allies in the US still think Putin is the based defender of Christian civilization against the homosexual globalists
What % of Americans do you think this is? Above or below lizardman constant? I'd guess way below, like OOM less than "literal Nazi," but maybe it's my bubble.
lagrangian
7mo ago
The people aspect is huge. This is why I want to work at Jane Street. Also because OCaml is amazing and HFT is challenging and because of the pay, but the people this attracts is why it's I think the only place for which I'd be willing to deal with snow and commuting instead of remote work from paradise.
Rust? Good luck getting business logic done over the din of nerds playing with a type system. Java? You're gonna get a culture of boring adults. Javascript? Scrappy startup types who may not write tests, they ran it like twice.
I really don't think so. It's easy living in a bubble of smart people to forget what p80 intelligence looks like. The least smart person I've ever dated was a first grade teacher, and presumably she was at least above average, leaving not a ton of room, if any, from her to p80. I really wanted to believe it wouldn't matter, but it just did. My real preference is probably steeper than p99, and Ms. Definitely clearly is past there. I'm fairly sure she's smarter than me, and I know I'm comfortably past p99. It doesn't hurt that often, and in this case, IQ correlated with gainful employment.
I'm really not trying to be, with my factor of 3 on that. Note that I didn't put "top 1/3" attractiveness - the intention is to filter out some at the top, filter out more at the bottom, and aim for some objective notion of at least modestly above average. She easily is, and fits a number of my specific preferences that are neutral to most people. She could be a fair amount less attractive and it wouldn't have changed my reaction.
Note also that by "attracted" (factor of 3), I meant "attracted to me" not "I'm attracted to her". I'm alright looking, but appearance certainly isn't my top selling point.
All that said, I think there may be some redundancy between these two factors, and between them and everything else. I.e. women who are smart, age appropriate, personality match etc are more likely than random women to be attractive/attracted to me.
I put a light factor here (2) intentionally. I don't need her to be a Mottizan, just not to hate me for having weird opinions on things from time to time. This also filters out e.g. strongly religious people.
Rose tinted glasses in general, entirely possible. As to the specific factors, I think they're all there, but it's possible she misses on "attracted to me" (I don't think so, but hard to say, and these things take time especially for women sometimes), "politics" (we've gotten into it some, but not that much - the lack of it coming up is in itself actually almost enough to check this box) and "personality" (I don't think so at all, but don't know her that well just yet). There's zero doubt that she's within an hour drive, human, female, age appropriate, highly intelligent, attractive, and single.
More options
Context Copy link