jyuqbe
2yr ago
I've been an atheist since I was like 8 years old but recently (27 y/o) I've having a "lack-of-faith" crisis: I'm not confident enough in my ability to discern reality in itself. Lately I'm having very strong numinous feelings: I've always been extremely rational - physicist, programmer, classical musician all that - but I've often dabbled in the occult, but more like a quirky curiosity that in the belief in the supernatural.
Today for the first time I felt the need to pray: to ask God for help, to soothe my desperation, to give me strength and I did something similar to what you describe: stop concentrating on the act of praying but immerse myself in the words coming out of my mouth. Then just now (it's 2:17am here) I read your comment and listen to that hymn and cried, as I've never cried before, seemingly relieved of a part of my pain. Placebo? Delusion? God? I don't really know, I just know it was a sensation as wonderful as it was terrible.
I was raised as a watered down Catholic and maybe I should reevaluate the faith with more depth.
Sorry for the ranting, it has been a long horrible day.
Edit: from the response I'm getting I understand that this site had undergone a "normiefication" of sorts. Time to log out forever and never visit it again. Hope you well.
jyuqbe
2yr ago
Two questions that I hope can inspire some wellness discussion.
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Have you ever had a "feeling for the divine" without being a believer? The sensation that reality is essentially numinous and you are missing out some fundamental experience and you cannot go on until you develop some kind of wisdom? I'm stuck in a place where I cannot reconciliate my feeling that there must be a higher purpose and my thinking that the law of Physics are all there is. The excess of modern life seem to keep on corroding my "soul" (for some vague definition of soul). Should I explore religion, philosophy, meditation or... something else? Readings or other media suggestions are welcome.
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My father, given the nature of his work, has been basically absent from my life. In the last few years I've made the conscious effort to get to know him better and I can bitterly say that he is not a person that I esteem particularly high: if I were not his son I would probably never want to talk to such a person. On the other hand I've always had an excellent relationship with my mother and she basically grew me all by herself without being a single mother... and that's the problem since I've never had a male role model: both my grandfathers died when I was five and I have no uncles, school teacher have a vanishingly small male representation. I feel I lack a "male archetype", a guide, a mentor, and I'm just going adrift without a map, without principles, not only that: I've never learned to interact with other males and I found friendship with women nice but unsatisfying on a visceral level, the only time where I approximated a male "friendship" was during Physics Labs in University and it was deeply refreshing. This ended up more of a rant that a wellness question that is basically the same as the first point: resources to bring new perspective on my problem are welcome.
Thanks for reading.
jyuqbe
2yr ago
I'm not American and in Europe Medical School is a 6 year track with an intense workload that would make no sense: I would to get a full time job to finance it given that there's no university in my city and I would need to rent an apartment, so I ruled out as something to stop regretting. As for Medical Physics there's a tough job market but it would be feasible by emigrating. Thank you for your answer.
jyuqbe
2yr ago
systems biology
From reading the wikipedia page it seems very interesting. I always scoffed at biostatistics or biophysics, mainly for a question of "prestige" and "sexiness": now I'm started to view this kind of mentality as a something that holds back on physics research.
jyuqbe
2yr ago
Programming is very varied. People are different, but while I can see a physics grad disliking copypaste webdev stuff
Yes, I think this may be one of my dislike: copypaste numerical data analysis algorithms until you get a semblance of a plot without really understanding the software. Maybe I should self study some real Computer Science and Software Engineering.
a variety of employers that pay well look for physics grads
I hope. Threads on reddit or other specialist forums do not seem to share the same enthusiasm but maybe there's a self selection bias with people online being more prone to be unemployed or in some kind of hardship.
jyuqbe
2yr ago
I feel pretty unsecure about the future. I immensely regret my Physics degree, probably the biggest regret. All the areas interesting to me (astro and nuclear) are dead end and becoming more and more computational so I will probably end up as a programmer, which I found easy to understand but one of the most boring profession in existence (heresy, I know), or I can pursue some experimental condensed matter specialization and trying to find work in material science, better than programming. In other words, I was fascinated with the idea of Physics and with studying Physics but hate all the profession I am qualified for.
TLDR: I wish I had done Medical School as my mother wished.
jyuqbe
2yr ago
Well, the women's equivalent to porn is romantic comedies: we could say that they create an unrealistic perception of what a man should be and do to get a relationship, and then you have tons of "femcels" who just want Mr. Right who must be rich, hot, tall, gentle and a vampire but I do not see the same moral panic about romance novels.
jyuqbe
2yr ago
I have the habit of attributing everything good about me to circumstances, luck or genetics but every failure it's my fault, my lack of dedication and my weakness. My unscientific hypothesis is that I don't trust my future self: it will disappoint me and will never be as good as my past self because the latter has not earned anything by himself but only by happenstance and will not be able to replicate this motions in the future. This lack of respect for the future self becomes lack of respect for my present self, because it is him who will become the deluding future self.
I would like to know how to respect myself more in the present but I don't even know what I would respect in my future self, I've never really had a role model or very engaged parents so I'm trying to navigate the world without a map or a compass. This lostness makes me want to puke; whenever I think of the future I see... nothing: not a desire, not an ideal life, not a dream come true, just an oppressive black.
Sigh, rant over, I suppose. I don't really know how to ask for help anymore, I just wish everything, or even anything, would start to make sense.
jyuqbe
2yr ago
Let's test the new site Wednesday Wellness.
So, how do you find something that gives you energy to get out of the bed everyday? My only desire in the last 8 years is going to bed and do not wake up.
Yes, tried meditation, medication, CBT, private therapy, group therapy, exercise, every self-help method I could find... I just need a purpose, damn it! Everything seems so arbitrary and grey and boring and I just feel the feeling of cosmic terror sinking inside me and I do not think I can move, just disappear.
Is this typical in, I presume, the US? 60%, more or less, of my math classes were in common with people studying math degree and we don't have any choice on the courses in our degree. Even the not-math-degree classes were proof based.
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