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SubstantialFrivolity

I'm not even supposed to be here today

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joined 2022 September 04 22:41:30 UTC
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SubstantialFrivolity


								

								

								
								
								

								
							
					
 
				


				
I'm not even supposed to be here today

				
				
				

				

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					joined 2022 September 04 22:41:30 UTC
				


				
					

					
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				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 2, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
You're welcome. For what it's worth, I don't think it's a problem of values per se. I suspect (though I can't prove) that many if not most people are wired to want sexual exclusivity (including past exclusivity) with their partner. I've known plenty of people who don't have traditional values around sexuality, but who say they would rather not know about their partner's body count because it will just bother them. That suggests to me that, despite our culture's attempt to brush promiscuity (or even serial monogamy) off as "it's just sex, who cares", many people are in fact deeply wired to care about sex and to not be able to easily shrug the past off as "well, (s)he's with me now so it doesn't matter".


I agree with the advice of both @yofuckreddit and @ThomasdelVasto - this may be something you have to compromise on due to the nature of the society we live in, but not necessarily so because people waiting for marriage do still exist. Just be aware you're making it harder on yourself to find a partner if you make that a dealbreaker. Nothing wrong with that, one simply has to be aware of what they are setting themselves up for.


For some unsolicited advice of my own:


    

  • Be prepared that even if you figure you're ok with someone with a sexual past, your feelings might change. I didn't start to suffer from retroactive jealousy until my wife and I had been dating for 9 months.
    • 

  • If you think you might struggle with this topic, try to resist the temptation to sleep with a woman before getting married. My wife and I were already sleeping together when I started to struggle with her past, at which point there wasn't anything I could reasonably do about it (besides keep struggling) without being a massive hypocrite and the scum of the earth. What was I going to do, break up with my (then) gf because I felt bad because she had sex with other bfs? We were doing that very thing. Nor could I have tried to then find a woman who was a virgin without being a virgin myself (at least, not write being a massive hypocrite and the scum of the earth). I know how strong the temptation is - firsthand. But I wish I hadn't gone down that road.
    • 

  • If you pursue a relationship with a woman who has a past, and you start to struggle with feelings of retroactive jealousy, do not talk to her about it. I did this with my wife (while we were still dating, and once briefly after we got married) and all that it accomplished was that I hurt her deeply. Because what could she do? She couldn't change her past, after all, nor does she have a magic wand to wave to make my brain stop being hung up on this topic. Instead she rather bitterly remarked that she wished I had a gf before her whom I had slept with, that way it wouldn't be a struggle for our relationship. She also lamented that she was going to be a cautionary tale for Christian girls everywhere, that if they had sex with a man they didn't then marry it would ruin their marriage. For my part, all that happened was I got horrible guilt that I get to carry around that I hurt her, and moreover that I continue to have the feelings which hurt her. But I did at least learn to never speak of it again - I would bet dollars to donuts that my wife has no idea that I still struggle with these feelings of jealousy (though thankfully much less often than I used to, probably due to the wonders of habituation).
    • 



Regardless, good luck brother. I doubt it'll be easy for you, because it hasn't been for me. I can only hope that some of the advice here (from me but also others) will help to make it a little better. I wish that human psychology wasn't susceptible to this failure mode, but alas it is. I am truly rooting for you though.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I do still have the book, turns out. Here's the quote (apologies for typos, I do the motte only on my phone for whatever reason):


"In this way, Tarquin is also symbolic of an older time when stories were likely to be more formulaic or clichéd--and less diverse. It's no accident that he's a wealthy old straight white man losing his marbles over the fact that the tale he is experiencing doesn't focus on the other straight white man at the expense of the black man, the woman, the genderqueer person, and even the Latino guest star. By rejecting his insistence that he take the lead, Elan is also saying that no, it's OK for not every story to have a blond white guy in the lead. It's OK for them to be the supporting character sometimes. They can still be a part of the overall tapestry of the narrative, and sometimes maybe they'll get great focus episodes. (Like this one!) As an author who is, himself, a straight white guy, it's difficult for me to always make a statement on the experiences of other demographic groups without running the risk of talking out of my ass. But I can make a statement about what I think we, the straight white men of the world, should be doing. And that's for us to recognize that it's not always about us, and that it doesn't make us weak just because someone else is the hero for a while. I'm sure the Tarquins of the real world will read this paragraph and lose their own marbles about it, but I don't see any point to writing if I can't express my own views."


At the time I read it, I had a few problems with this commentary from the author.


    

  • While I concede that he is the voice of God for this setting, and what he says about characters' internal motivations is by definition correct, the narrative he set down in the comic failed to communicate the ideas he claims Tarquin was following. The comic, as written, portrays Tarquin as simply prideful, not bigoted because he can't stand that minorities are getting the spotlight. His insistence that Elan take the lead appears to be motivated by self-interest (Elan, as his son, would be furthering his glory as the head of the dynasty) rather than identity politics. There is no indication at all that Tarquin would be ok with Elan not taking the lead if the party was full of blonde white men. So while Burlew has the right to tell us what he imagined the characters' thoughts to be, he didn't do a good job of showing us that in the work itself.
    • 

  • Burlew is certainly entitled to his thoughts on politics, identity or otherwise. And he is indeed entitled to write about those thoughts in his work, as he says in his last sentence. Nevertheless I find it extremely obnoxious for a lighthearted D&D comic to suddenly take a turn towards preaching and moralizing at me (even if it was in the writer commentary and not in the comic itself, at least not at this stage).
    • 

  • Burlew predicts that "the Tarquins of the world" will be upset by his paragraph of commentary. That is, he predicts that the people who have a problem with his writing here will do so because they are bigots who can't bear that the world isn't all about straight white men (since that is how the author himself conceives of Tarquin, it seems fair to draw this inference). But I wasn't annoyed by the paragraph because I have any problem with the comic having a diverse cast. I read the comic for a decade or more without ever once objecting to that. Nor do I have a problem with other stories featuring minorities - I enjoy many such stories because the identity politics are completely immaterial to me. No, I had a problem with Burlew's commentary because a) it was pushing divisive politics into what should be a fun comic strip, and b) the political angle he was taking wasn't even present in the comic until he forced it in via "word of God" commentary. And of course, I have a much bigger problem (as I already mentioned) with the author comparing me to his morality play villain just because I don't think that it was appropriate to bring politics into things.
    • 



				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Assuming I have the book still, sure. I'll have to look around to see if I kept it or got rid of it.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 2, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
That's an interesting way to look at it. What's kind of ironic is we don't seem to have actually rid ourselves of those instincts, so much as changed what it's acceptable to apply them to. Like, look at how the left treats JK Rowling for example. There's precious little difference (except for no violence) between the way people treat her, and the way someone in the 15th century would've treated a heretic. Perhaps those instincts are too deeply embedded in our genes to be eliminated completely.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 2, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Hell no I don't ask. I have a rough idea and that's bad enough, I know it would destroy me to get more info. I wish I knew how to get over it. I've been struggling with the mental health issues of my wife having had sex with other people (whereas she was my first) for almost 10 years now. Stoicism helps me some (and indeed it's the reason I got into Stoicism), but I'm not always feeling rational enough where appeals to philosophy can convince my brain to quiet down. Therapy didn't help at all. At this point I've given up on fixing it and figure I'll just have to live with the pain until the day I die.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 2, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Recently finished: Against the Machine by Paul Kingsnorth. Basically, his thesis is that modern Western society (in its entirety - government, economy, social mores, etc) is destroying the things that enable humanity to thrive - think things like cultural traditions, connection to a particular place going back generations, spiritual practices, and so on. He personifies this as a machine which rips up all in its path, destroying what those things once were and remaking them in a fashion to suit the machine's purpose of expanding without end.


I am not sure what I think of the book. I think at the most basic level, Kingsnorth is right that there's something which has gone wrong with Western society. It hasn't been without benefit (and he himself admits this freely), but we seem to have lost some measure of basic human joy and mental flourishing along the way. I'm not so certain I agree with his framing of the trend as a coherent entity. It's kind of like the idea of Moloch - rhetorically powerful, but also factually inaccurate. And I definitely disagree with some of the author's ideas - at one point he argues that the Machine is quite literally demonic in origin, which I don't believe at all (we humans are quite capable of destroying ourselves without supernatural influence). So I guess I found the book interesting, but not without its flaws (or at least flaws as I see them).


Currently reading the Divine Comedy. I've had a copy of it forever, but am just now getting around to it (mostly because a friend really encouraged me to read it, at least Inferno). It's been interesting. Obviously it's one of the major works of the Western canon, and has had a ton of influence over our culture. So seeing the original first-hand is pretty cool. I think I'm looking forward to Purgatorio and Paradiso more, just because I know absolutely nothing about them, but am enjoying Inferno as well. It's pretty funny the extent to which the work is Dante just showing everyone he dislikes in hell. I can't imagine it made him many friends at all, though perhaps he didn't care because he was exiled anyway. I find poetry kind of a slog to read (even short poems like Robert Frost etc), so it's certainly a challenge to read long-form poetry like this. But hopefully I'm able to stick to it because I do want to finish a classic of this magnitude.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Yeah I also lost interest in the comic when he started getting political. There's the incident you mentioned, plus the comic where Haley and some other character talk about "remember how we used to hurl gendered insults at each other, that was awful". Perhaps worst of all, he inserted that stuff in the published books. In the book that covers the general Tarquin arc, the author commentary says that the reason that Tarquin flipped out on the heroes was because he couldn't handle that he, a straight white male, lost to a party with a black man, a woman, and a genderqueer elf. The author then went on to insinuate that his readers were Bad People (TM) who shared the same character flaw of being upset because the world didn't evolve around straight white men.


I kept reading the comic online for a bit after that (until that became insufferable too), but will never again give that man another dime of support. I don't give my money to artists who go out of their way to insult me for no reason.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
You should! Obviously I can't speak for how satisfying the Lions route is, but the other ones I did have been fun so I'm willing to bet Lions is too.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Good call, I second that recommendation. It's a fantastic game to play with friends.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
There's Overcooked 2 if you enjoyed playing the first one. Maybe try Magicka? The game is a lot of fun in coop due to the chaos that can ensue when two players cast spells that interact badly (or sometimes well) in the moment.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I just finished playing NG+ of Fire Emblem: Three Houses (Golden Deer route). Had a good time, and the extra exposition on the main villains of the story was welcome. I still think they are under baked (only one map, really IS?), but at least it wasn't as perfunctory as in the Black Eagles->Church route. We'll see if I do Blue Lions ever, but if I do it won't be for a long while cause I'm not eager to replay part 1 right away.


Also playing Rise of the Tomb Raider, which I picked up during the last Steam sale. It's enjoyable. The side tombs are fun though often too brief, and there's a dash of Metroidvania "you can't get in here until you get this item" which is a nice reason to revisit parts of the map. Overall I can't complain, especially given I got the game for just a few bucks.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Wellness Wednesday for October 29, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Others have given good advice about setting boundaries, which I agree with. Main thing I would add is that it's not only beneficial for your sanity, but it will preserve your friendship as well. Nobody wants to hear someone tell them they should break up with a significant other over and over, even if that person winds up being right. I've had friends who dated crappy girls in the past, and had to learn to let it go and let them make the mistake. I figure if you've told this woman once that this dude is bad news,  you've done your duty as her friend. All you can do at that point is sit back and wait for her to come to the realization herself.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 27, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Indian programmers (or other tech employees) aren't necessarily worse than their counterparts here. It's just that they, like skilled workers anywhere else, cost more money than their peers. And since most companies outsourcing to India are cheap bastards, they pay peanuts and so they get bottom of the barrel employees.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 24, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Ok but are traps gay? I needed the AI to tell me so I could put my worries to rest.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					


Sex (for men) isn’t about sex, it’s about power. The motorized pussy might feel good. But you’ll know that you didn’t make another soul submit to you.




That isn't true, and your analysis of why someone might find that experience hollow misses the mark. Men don't want a mechanical vagina because they are not just sex machines and have a desire to be loved. You can pay a prostitute or buy a female simulacrum, but neither will ever love you and the experience will be hollow as a result.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Makes sense, thank you for the explanation!


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Terminal values, more or less. I believe that for the government to follow the law of the Constitution is a good thing, even if the Constitution (imperfect document that it is) isn't going to always be to my preference. Less deontologically, I think that if you wish for others to follow the law, you must follow the law yourself, so I think there is a benefit down the line as well. But that is less important to my thinking than the idea that following the law is good in itself.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Huh, interesting. I wasn't aware of that, shame on me I guess. Thank you for the correction!


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Yeah, I know people rate FDR highly. It's one of the things that lowers my level of hope for this nation: that a president can make his entire policy platform to do blatantly unconstitutional stuff, thoroughly destroy the original social contract on which the nation was founded, and be rated as one of the greatest leaders in the country's history (rather than as one of its greatest villains) as a result. George Lucas was a little on the nose with the Star Wars line "So this is how liberty dies: with thunderous applause", but he also was basically correct imo. When freedom is taken away from a people, it is popular to do so (until it's gone too far and then it's too late to stop it, let alone reverse it).


I'm not saying that Trump is committing the first serious norm violations in our country's history. He isn't. We have been steadily eroding those norms for a century. But I am saying "two wrongs don't make a right", and I'm going to fight Trump just as hard on constitutional principles as I would've fought FDR back in the day had I been alive. Not that it means much, of course - Trump doesn't even know I exist, much less care what I think. But to the extent I can do something if he goes down that road (i.e vote against him, rather than for someone I would prefer), I will.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					


Even the most attractive woman on earth doesn't come with a literal motor in her pussy.




I wonder if the transhumanists will ever make that sort of thing happen. It kinda stands to reason, one would think - if you are gonna enhance your body why not get genitals that are super pleasurable for you and your partner?


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					


I don't believe in Karma, although I do believe "what goes around comes around,"




Isn't that just karma? Maybe I misunderstand the term, I'm not well versed in Eastern religious thought.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					


And yet I still find myself wanting to label them with the 'parasite' moniker because there's me, over here doing just about everything 'right' and getting rewarded with a portion of what I genuinely earned, with the potential for more to be taken later (one hopes not!), and then there's these guys, guiltlessly sucking up resources and clearly expecting no resistance or problems, and just generally living their life with much less stress than I.




This reminds me of the (imo excellent) argument against student loan forgiveness. It's been stated here, but I've also seen it in other venues (my cousin was patiently trying to lay it out for people on FB for a while, God bless him for his patience). Johnny chose to skip college or go a far more affordable route for college, sacrificing four years of having fun partying with his peers, but gained the reward of not having student loan debt. Jimmy went to a nice school for four years and has a good time, but has to pay back those student loans the rest of his life. Except now Jimmy wants to get his loans bailed out at everyone's expense (including Johnny!), so he would get his short term reward and also Johnny's long term reward, without having to sacrifice anything. This is a terrible social policy to have, because the Johnnies of the world will (rightly) conclude that they are chumps for doing the right thing, and more and more people will mooch off the system until it all comes crashing down eventually.


Similarly, people like you (rightly) feel like chumps for working hard to get ahead when we refuse to let people face the consequences of their bad decisions. I'm not saying you should join them, because I believe virtuous conduct to be intrinsically valuable, but neither could I really find it in my heart to be mad at you if you did join them. It's a raw deal, doing everything right and watching as those who didn't bother still get away with it.




veterans who... get a check for life. Even if they never saw combat. Even if they were never in a combat-facing role.




In fairness, I think that isn't necessarily a prerequisite for time in the service to fuck you up in some way. One of my teammates at work was in the army, and has talked about how even just being on watch for the base can mess with your head because of the stress it causes to be hyper-alert like that. Then there's stuff like hearing damage from doing firearms training without ear protection (my understanding from him is that was a thing, which makes sense because in actual combat you don't have time to put in ear plugs so you have to experience it beforehand in a controlled situation), etc. I'm not saying the guys you are talking about deserve the benefits they are getting, because I don't watch the show and I am willing to assume from your description that they don't deserve the benefits. Just pointing out that not serving in combat shouldn't necessarily be a prerequisite here, as there can be legitimate claims even outside that situation.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					


You've got a literal world -ending threat, so surely under those circumstances, we'd all get our shit together and act like competent adults... at least for a little while, right?




laughs nervously in covid


Yeah I'm with you. I'm not saying that was anything close to world ending (it obviously wasn't, as we are here), but it strongly indicated how such a threat would go down. We would bicker and squabble about what was the right thing to do until it was too late.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					


Anti-Federalism, reduction of FedGov Spending to whatever is needed to maintain national defense and a Judicial system, and throwing all welfare programs back to the state level




Isn't that federalism? I thought that the federalist policy position was the one that wants to maximize power reserved to the confederated states.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of October 20, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I hate him, though not for the fact that he ran for four terms if that's why you ask. That was legal at the time, so whatever (I am not one who believes that custom should be given serious weight like that). I hate him because he wiped his ass with the constitution and largely destroyed the original vision for this country by centralizing so much power within the federal government, power that it constitutionally could not (and still cannot) have. Only extremely disingenuous motivated reading of the commerce clause (with Wickard v Filburn being the prime example) allowed it, and everything he did under that aegis should be walked back. That won't happen of course, because a strong federal government is actually pretty popular with the masses.


But yeah, in short I think FDR was one of the worst presidents the US ever had.