HyphalKnot
8d ago
Long time lurker, first time poster.
For background I'm 24 and live in NYC.
I think my biggest goal in life right now is to meet my wife. I want to have a family, ideally soon, so I figure I should start looking seriously now. The second biggest is to win a lot of money playing poker, but I don't need advice on that because there's already a well defined path. Everything else is pretty much taken care of, I have a good job, I'm fit, etc. I'm not even sure if I need advice on the first either. I'm already relatively romantically successful. So successful in fact that I just finished my chlamydia meds today and am battling what I think is molluscum contagiosum. Since I broke up with my first real girlfriend (she went to med school a few hours away and I didn't want to do distance for another 3 years) in mid-2023 I've been on first dates with 61 girls. I was going on 3-4 dates a week in the immediate aftermath, but it's slowed down now to around 1 a week. My standards rose and casual sex has gotten a little tiring. Of the 61 there was mutual attraction with around 20, of the 20 there were around 5 that I considered for something serious. 3 of the 5 I ended things with for various reasons that basically boil down to not seeing a future with them. 1 ended things with me after 4 dates, I still think about her and what I could have done differently. I think I overplayed my hand because I was very excited about her and assumed she felt the same way. 1 I'm currently seeing, but feeling pessimistic about, she's 19 and just moved to the city a month ago. Our second date was nice, but I felt like the conversation was losing steam at times. We are both quiet people and don't have much in common. Normally I would have invited her over after and I think she would have said yes, but because of the aforementioned chlamydia that wasn't an option. Hopefully it doesn't matter. Either way these next few days are pretty much make or break. I think the common thread between these girls is that our personalities clicked and I really enjoyed just talking with them.
Of the remaining 40 girls with which there was no mutual attraction it's a pretty even split of I didn't like them/they didn't like me. The "I didn't like them" category is annoying because it feels like a total waste of time. I should be firmer and end these early. I should also be pickier with who I invite out. The "they didn't like me" category is more interesting. Generally these girls are more attractive. It's hard to figure out exactly why they didn't like me. Obviously some were largely outside of my control, but some definitely weren't. I think generally I could work on my personality but self reflection is hard, especially for something like this. I'm pretty socially aware and can hold a conversation fine but I'm also definitely an introvert and sometimes a little awkward. I think that I can be kind of a pussy sometimes and need to just be more confident in general. There have also been a few dates, typically with girls who are stunning, where I amp certain aspects of my personality to 11 and just see what happens, which basically means for me creating and embracing awkward pauses, asking left-field questions, and just being kind of a weird contrarian in general. Think Nathan Fielder. These actually aren't as much of a trainwreck as you might think, most of them I could tell that the girl was having fun, but they also don't lead to 2nd dates, which makes sense. I think this is a defense mechanism for when I subconsciously think the girl is out of my league and would never end up with me. I overcompensate for the fact that she's really hot by trying too hard to show her that I don't care what she thinks about me. This is better than being boring and probably directionally correct as a strategy, but needs some work. I am slowly becoming more socially confident so I think there is progress there. Playing poker helps, most of the time you're folding, so all there is to do is shoot the shit with total strangers.
The vast majority of these girls I have met from Hinge. It is very easy for me to get online dates which has become somewhat of a crutch. Honestly I think trying to meet more girls in real life is probably the low hanging fruit here, but I find it hard. None of the girls in my social circle (mostly college friends/friends of friends) really appeal to me, and I don't want to bother trying to start a relationship that I know probably won't work. Street approach/"daygame" is an interesting option, but seems like a ton of work. Really I should probably commit and at least try it. I have the time and it would be good for me. Bars/nightlife are a crapshoot. I normally just get pretty drunk and talk to my friends and play pool. If I do talk to a girl it's one that doesn't intimidate me or one that approaches me. The beautiful ones are surrounded by friends and other guys. Logically I know that doesn't matter, but in the moment I normally pick comfort. I pick comfort in a lot of areas of my life which is bad and I should stop doing, but it's hard because it's been working for so long. In that same vein, and tangentially related, I should stop smoking weed.
Anyways it was nice to write down some thoughts that I had been thinking a while. Thanks for reading, I welcome any advice or general thoughts.
Yeah I'm attractive. And no I don't have that in my profile, maybe I should but it feels weird to set that expectation so early.
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