The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
Write him off. He's toxic-to-dangerous to associate with. You may have had a long friendship with him, but that was only because he hid his full personality from you. It's the classic story of any abusive relationship, whether it be controlling spouses, pimps, or vampires. Find people in the group that you can trust, and talk about everything (it sounds like you're doing this). Share all the warning signs, and listen when other people share theirs. Look up diagnostic criteria and discuss them like a book club.
As for the bad actor, you want to separate from him in a way that does not draw attention to you personally. If he focuses on you, that could be dangerous: you don't know what he might try. Just fade out and wind down any connections. Be a "gray rock", stay bland, don't give any emotion back one way or another, and be noncommittal. From a purely selfish perspective, let other people take the heat. But if you're feeling altruistic, you can look up strategies like this and share them with other people in the group.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
Sadly, I don't think modern society has any good legal/ethical remedy for this situation. (If only we still had weregild!). He'll be out there, preying on other people, and you'll know that. Fortunately, this guy doesn't seem particularly intelligent, charismatic, or sadistic, so you're probably not letting another Jeffrey Dahmer go free. Unless he escalates, he'll just be spreading a low-grade cloud of misery and evil into the world.
More options
Context Copy link