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PaperclipPerfector  11mo ago (text post)   4421 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 19, 2023

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.

Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.

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An age-gap of even ten years is utterly unremarkable, especially when it's, say, a 40 year old guy marrying a 30 yo woman. It's far from an intractable issue.

An age-gap of even ten years is utterly unremarkable,

Maybe where you live, but it would be quite shocking in any of the social circles I'm familiar with.

What social circles are those?

Alaska.

Yes, to be clear, I'm not some turbo doomer about this. But dating is hard enough already without adding on even more filters.

Dating will get easier when you're either a student in a promising profession, or someone employed making decent dough. At that point, being the kind of guy who wants a significantly younger wife becomes a far more tractable problem, easier the more money you have really.

So being a recent graduate is a bad time to date?

Bad? Compared to your entire life? Not at all.

But compared to either:

  1. Being in schooling, where you have state-sanctioned proximity to young and attractive people of the other gender, very few people in your peer group having become so utterly superior to you in terms of credentials.

  2. Being well-established in a career where you're gaining points for being wealthy/successful/put-together, in other words having said credentials.

It's a bit worse.

1 happens to be the biggest hurdle for the average person asking for relationship advice here, they're usually nerdy, shy or introverted, and often are in a stream where women are rare. But they usually get a big benefit from 2, where being successful makes them attractive again.

Being a recent graduate who just got a decent job, still has an active friends circle from college or uni and hasn't aged out of hangouts or events where the denizens of the latter exist is far from the worst place to be.

I'm somehow in the worst of all worlds. I'm nerdy, shy, and introverted and did a degree where there were very few women and I had almost no free time, have had very little career success since graduating, and am now no longer part of a social circle that involves going to parties or meeting new people after moving back to my hometown and now only hanging out with friends from high school and having not succeeded at making friends in university.

I do feel for you, I really do. Even as a man who has had decent success with the ladies, every time I see someone involuntarily celebate, I think "there but for the grace of God go I". If I was short, less funny or not a doctor or.. a dozen other things that could have been counterfactually true while still preserving the core of my personality. I certainly spent at least 18 years of my life in severe sexual and romantic frustration, and if I do end up single again, I don't look forward to the headache that is modern dating in the West.

(Please don't think I'm calling you an incel, heavens no, the difficulty most men face in getting a date compared to the average woman makes intra-group differences minuscule)

The problem is well, there are no easy solutions. Most things that make it easy for men to date are innate, or the result of innate tendencies, such as being smart enough to get into a high paying job.

Do you think your professional misfortunes are reversible? Are you at least on track to make your money? Are you fit and manage to dress well?

I certainly spent at least 18 years of my life in severe sexual and romantic frustration, and if I do end up single again, I don't look forward to the headache that is modern dating in the West.

I'm worried about this for myself. Even once I do get into a relationship, I'm afraid my knowledge that it would be hard to get another one should it end might contribute to an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

I'm not involuntarily celebrate. I recently got out of a relationship. It's just hard to meet women, especially offline, and I feel like my options are more limited than they could be. And before that, the girl I wanted to marry broke up with me in part because of how my career was going.

Online dating is extremely difficult in my new city. I think I was borderline for being attractive enough in my last city to make it work, and the dating environment in my new city is less forgiving. I think things will look up if I can move to somewhere with more opportunity.

Do you think your professional misfortunes are reversible? Are you at least on track to make your money?

Who knows? My boss seems to like promotions more than pay raises that keep up with inflation and doesn't seem to mind high turnover. So I have to find something else.

I'm smart, but maybe I don't have the social skills to navigate the working world. I have very little idea of what sort of careers paths exist in my chosen field or how to get and pass job interviews. I think not knowing many people limits the secondhand knowledge I get about these things.

My ex-girlfriend asked me to come up with a five year plan, and I can't even begin to figure what that means. My goal is to get a job that pays more and that I like better, and I don't know enough about what's out there to "plan" that. Things were a lot easier in university when I just had to attend lectures, do the labs, learn the material, and ace the tests.

Are you fit and manage to dress well?

Somewhat.

And before that, the girl I wanted to marry broke up with me in part because of how my career was going.

I wonder how I might have a conversation about this with my future partner. Say I'm stressed about my job and she asks why and how she might support me. It would seem awkward to say it's partially her fault for adding to the potential negative consequences of failure.

Without knowing more about your career, I can't really comment, but it seems to me you're doing the right things, at least in terms of jumping jobs for a pay raise.

If possible, try and become friends with your colleagues, at the very least they'll likely have wives or girlfriends, and women love setting up eligible singles, unless all your coworkers are in the same boat I suppose.

Dating will get easier when you're either a student in a promising profession

I disagree, based on what I've seen happen with my classmates at a US medical school. And the residents. It only changes once you are an attending.

At that point, being the kind of guy who wants a significantly younger wife becomes a far more tractable problem

AFAICT, it's the only thing that makes it more tractable.

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