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Notes -
"Rape is about power, not sex" is not an attempt at a definition of rape, it's just a statement about rape.
Yeah, to steelman it: why do men who can have access to sex - they may have girlfriends, they can visit prostitutes, etc. - commit rape? Why do men rape prostitutes, for example, when this is literally buying sex? The explanation must involve that this is not just about sex, or overwhelming lust; we expect people to be able to control overwhelming lust in public, we wouldn't accept it if John in the office got so worked up about an attractive new woman employee that he had an erection and started masturbating in front of everyone. If Billy and Sue are boyfriend and girlfriend, and Billy is horny but Sue is not in the mood, we generally expect Billy will respect that and not keep pushing for sex, especially not get violent and force Sue to have sex against her will. (Sometimes Billy will keep pushing for sex, and Sue will go along just to get him to stop nagging her even if she won't enjoy it, but that's not rape as such).
Rape also doesn't happen with strangers alone, rape happens between intimate partners or family or someone known to the victim.
So rape involves coercion and violence, which involves an exercise of power. It is the rapist saying "I can do this to you, and you can't stop me. I can have this, and your refusal doesn't matter. Because I can force you to do what I want." That ties in with classical definitions of Patriarchy because where men are in a dominant social role and women are expected to be socially submissive, where men have authority over female family members, where women have few to no legal recourse against men, and there is an expectation that men have a right to sexual access to women, then rape - be it by force, by coercion, or sexual activity without the consent of the woman - is also an element of social control, and is linked to the power of men in society. The idea that "you can't rape your wife" was tied to the presumption of permanent consent to sex (by both parties) within marriage, but some men did indeed violently and forcefully have sex with their wives which was not normal consensual marital sex, but could not be prosecuted as rape, though the same act by a stranger would have been.
There have been shifting definitions of rape over the centuries, and shifts in social attitudes. There are many studies on the psychology of rapists. I don't think there is one easy template to apply, and the definition has certainly been broadened to include cases where it is an absurd accusation ("I had sex with him but I didn't enjoy it so it was rape" and so on). But we all recognise that there is indeed an act, and a crime, called "rape" and that it's not just about "oh, Annie was so beautiful I just couldn't help myself, I had to have her". There are animal species where mating and reproduction does involve rape (ducks seem to be the infamous example) but humans are expected to be more able to control themselves.
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