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PaperclipPerfector  1yr ago (text post)   3437 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for July 16, 2023

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.

Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.

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A good friend of mine found out that a mutual friend’s father had a long reputation as a rapist in the country they were both from. It’s likely his wife / said mutual friend’s mother knew, but had never said anything to her daughter. My friend told her, and it ruined her relationship with both parents and her wider family, and with my friend. Nobody was ever brought to justice or anything. Some things should stay hidden. But it’s impossible to advise unless you provide at least some detail.

That is an interesting case. But I am thinking there are benefits in her knowing it: there is a good chance she would find out later in a worse way, or that she could have been in danger, or that her knowing it could help bring about justice. Can't say for sure. But what if we could reasonably predict that none of these things would happen. Would it still be a good thing to tell her?

Knowing a secret is a burden, I think that's why we usually want to tell (especially if it's not our secret). But part of carrying that burden is, I think, that we use our discretion with whether we reveal the secret to others. "Deserves to know" is more complicated than it seems, we discussed this maybe a year ago here with regards to infidelity (a lot of the reason cheating partners confess is because their own burden is too much to bear, it has nothing to do with the partner they are humiliating and disappointing). There are no clear answers, but it made me think more about whether these things should be shared. If someone does some DNA testing and finds out their elderly parent's father wasn't who they thought he was, should they tell them (assume both biological and legal father are dead)?

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