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PaperclipPerfector  1yr ago (text post)   31958 thread views

Culture War Roundup for the week of May 22, 2023

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But key is not to look desparate,

I've often been desperate in life, not just regarding dating but regarding life in general. I've suffered a lot of abuse. A lot has gone wrong.

It's a scenario where the "rich" get richer, I suppose. How awful.

That's tough, agreed that sort of thing can perpetuate. You didn't ask for advice outside the dating realm and I don't know your financial situation but you could consider something in the therapy line, counseling, or internal family systems. It certainly helped me, though it took a while to find the right person. If our family of origin has patterns and we were molded by them, it does become somewhat inevitable that we reflect these back onto our relationships in different ways. Relationships of different kinds (they don't have to be perfect) can help along the way but I've always thought that at the end of the day it's all down to me, what is it that holds me back with assertiveness, intimacy, resentment, self-doubt etc? It happened for me that being patient and focused and owning my own stuff ultimately put me in the position where the right person came along. I had a lot of failed dating attempts along the way, which were learnings, but I had enough confidence and self-momentum to understand this not as rejection but as poor fit. This self-sovereignty then gives you the allure needed because you're genuinely not desparate. While negative situations in your early life can have negative knockon consequences, it is also true that making positive changes to your own life will have positive knock-on changes. It may be you tend to meet more people on the way up as it were. While I'm in the advice mode, exercise is great and I also found meditation the start of an important journey for me- if you go this route consider learning it from sitting in with an actual tradition such as Buddhism ( you can ignore the fluff but it got me closer to the heart of the matter than going it alone with apps etc. Anyways apologies if I've overdone it.

you could consider something in the therapy line, counseling, or internal family systems

I've seen many therapists over the course of the last decade. I have Complex PTSD.

While negative situations in your early life can have negative knockon consequences, it is also true that making positive changes to your own life will have positive knock-on changes.

I've been through many negative events, both in my early life and in more recent years.

I'm trying to make positive changes, but it's a slow process.

Sounds tough, and makes my comment somewhat moot. Keep on, keeping on, sounds like you have plenty of insight already. I didn't come from a traumatic home but did suffer the early death of my father. Go well.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

Thanks for your words of support.

This is classic victim mentality. We make up stories to ourselves about what we've been through. Reimagine the perceived injustices you've experienced as times when you've grown or learned to make them strengths rather than weaknesses. If you're here you're probably smart enough to twist anything you've been through into a bad experience, but you could just as easily shift your perception of these things into positive experiences. It may seem like it doesn't matter but you're always going to be happier if you shift your beliefs to a positive view of events rather than a negative one. And most of the time there is no objective truth to the matter so you might as well choose the more theoretically positive one for yourself.

I don't know if that makes sense, but basically stop painting yourself as a victim in your own mind and view your suffering as empowering rather than defeating and you'll be much happier and confident and effective as a person.

It may seem like it doesn't matter but you're always going to be happier if you shift your beliefs to a positive view of events rather than a negative one.

Not true. In cases where events are actually negative, an accurately negative view is far better than an inaccurate positive view.

For instance, if I wake up to discover that my house is on fire, I'm going to be much happier in the long run if I think "MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" and evacuate, as opposed to shifting my beliefs to a positive viewpoint where I tell myself everything's fine and then I go back to bed and I get third degree burns.

I was raised in a culture of "pretend everything's fine". IT DID NOT GO WELL FOR ME.

Mmmm ok. If your house is on fire then get out of the house. Once you're safe, don't wallow in sadness and self pity and beat yourself up because your house burned down, even if it was because you left your oven on. Acknowledge that it was your fault but that you didn't mean to do it, forgive yourself and move on, believing that you won't make such a mistake in the future. My whole point is that even when bad things happen to you, you can choose to view the events in any light you want. You can empower yourself by making it a positive learning experience, or you can disempower yourself and wallow in misery by telling yourself you're a victim of terrible tragedies. This is your choice, the former leads to greater happiness and satisfaction and the latter leads to self pity and doubt.

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