It’s been pointed out recently that the topics discussed in the Culture War thread have gotten a bit repetitive. While I do think the Motte has a good spread on intellectual discussion, I’m always pushing for a wider range (dare I say diversity?) of viewpoints and topics in the CW thread.
I was a lurker for years, and I know that the barrier between having a thought and writing a top level comment in the CW thread can loom large indeed. Luckily I’m fresh out of inspiration, and would love to hear thoughts from folks about effortposts they want to write but haven’t gotten around to.
This of course applies to regulars who post frequently as well - share any and all topics you wish were discussed in the CW thread!
Jump in the discussion.
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Notes -
I don't entirely understand what you want say but speaking from some experience on D), the quote reads to me like the very idealised advice that is always floating around everywhere. It's not entirely wrong and so it gets shared, but it's over-consistent and fits a bit to conveniently in the currently popular framework of "always be nice about everything". Not taking the outbursts too personally is correct, not holding them against her mostly also. But you absolutely should point out the moods to her. When the hormones are talking, it can be surprisingly difficult for oneself to notice that you're being unreasonable. There's plenty of broken relationships because people just refused to stop indulging the wife. You should obviously pick your fights and time it right though. Also, there are certainly also plenty of broken relationships because the guy was a loser and/or a slacker, but there are no articles floating around how you totally should support your husbands "streamer career" even if it looks like he is just playing video games with like four people who aren't paying him.
Edit: Though I guess I'm falling into your "criticism is easy" trap, ha. So I'll be more specific about what I'm advocating: Be nice and considerate, but also confident and stand your ground. Hug her, but don't just agree with her because it's the easy way. Make her some tea, do some housework that normally she would have done, let her sit down and relax, but also let her know it's out of special consideration for her state, not because you crumbled under her accusations. And so on, you get the drift. This is obviously much harder than the former advice, because here there is tension between two values, "be nice to her" and "don't let her steamroll you", instead of the simple one-dimensional optimization.
You're fine, it's not meant to be a trap to stifle discussion. It's more along the lines of someone proposing policy X or idea Y and getting piled on by haters who don't actually have a better idea.
It's more like I start spiraling into questioning when anyone is ever truly 'at fault' for something. Say pregnant, hormonal women aren't in control of their actions due to biological reasons (although therein lies another trap - makes it hard to take their grievances seriously, right?). Do we extend the same charity to testosterone fueled domestic violence or crime? How do we decide when someone is at fault, versus when someone isn't in control due to their biology? And finally, if someone behaves a certain way due to their environment (i.e. bad parents, poverty, etc) are they somehow more at fault for those things that are just as outside their control as their biology?
How about something more minor: I've cultivated pretty robust control over my emotions and reactions so I never really lash out at my partners. They still do things that irritate me sometimes, and it always turns into a choice whether I complain about it. But...why? I suppose one litmus test to raising an issue is whether it's actually possible to change their behavior in some meaningful way, and (here's where the autism dials up to 11) I could model myself as being a part of their environment encouraging themselves to change.
Maybe the moral of the story is what you say, and I've rederived the 'just strive to be a better person bro' that the ancients were talking about. And maybe the corollary is to make sure you find a partner striving to do the same so you don't get steamrolled in every argument.
Anyways, thanks for indulging some navel-gazing cringeworthy discussion. Not something that's easy to bring up in real life aside from nibbling around the edges.
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