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Notes -
"okay, then change your name to a female name and start insisting that the world treat you like an actual woman".
Are we sure? That is an actual solution (though there are others of course). If you accept (as you appear to) that is should be ok for a man to fulfill all the social roles of a woman then a way to signal that is to dress, act and use the same words that are used for a woman. There is a built in set of words and roles that fit what he wants and that is much easier to utilize than creating a whole new categorization process and getting the world to accept it. It's easier to step into a role that already exists than create a new one. Even the word tomboy gestures in this way no? A girl who behaves like a boy would be expected to is called a tomboy. A man who acts like a woman perhaps used to be called a sissy (and still is in some circles) but if you want it to be socially accepted then is trans-woman really all that different? And is a trans man who doesn't actually get surgery or hormones and just socially transitions (the most common approach) really any different than a tomboy?
The directional goal of the saying trans-women are women (or trans men are men) and to treat them as such is to remove the social shame, which you agree should be removed. There are other avenues of doing so, but this one builds upon the existing rails so to speak.
This is one of the clash zones with Radical Feminism, which (generally) holds that those social gender roles/words/themes/ should be torn down in the first place. There are other trans people hold similar views (non-binary and the like) which is one of the fault lines withing the trans community itself.
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