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You've obviously heard you're marrying someone's family along with them. Very much so here.
Anyone in your situation will always wonder where to draw the line regarding when you help. If your post is any indication, you may struggle to define that line at an appropriate place, even if you figure out the best way to help from this thread.
Are you going to be able to stomach the physical abuse of your nieces and nephews? Endure holidays with disgusting food prepared with questionable food safety by your in-laws? Deal with your children being influenced by their traumatized cousins?
You will have to constantly watch people just one degree separate from you be some variant of miserable or even a little evil. I have to deal with this situation ~2.5 degrees removed, and it's a fucking drag. I can't imagine it being any closer.
Maybe this girl is worth it. Many fantastic crabs are willing and able to get out of buckets in the backwater places of America. But supreme caution is warranted here.
I feel obligated by existing to respond, but all I've got is "my dad is the exception in his family. We were not dragged down by the others." Which just feels weak.
Also, whenever a cousin wants a path out, either for themselves or their children, they've historically tended to go to my dad in some capacity, be it hiring (on condition of not committing any drug-related crimes recently), or assuming custody of his nephews when their parents wound up in prison. The wider clan has basically fallen apart with the death of Grandma ~18.5y ago.
And while I expect my dad would have found a way to thrive regardless, getting involved in his father-in-law's business made a huge impact. I'd also note that this had nothing to do with the reasoning behind the marriage; my dad was trying to get into white-collar work until my sister was born, and FIL offerred him a job as an electrician. At no point did he want to turn that into a career, but it turns out that it's reliable, pays well, is less depressing than paper-pushing, and being able to spot a building he personally empowered on every other street is worth something. Also, the magic of giving a damn and taking whatever work he does seriously made him the obvious one to take over when FIL retired.
I kinda think demonstrably overcoming the background disadvantages of one's origins or condition can be attractive all its own. Of course, you then have to worry about regression to the mean, children getting lured into the life of the extended family, etc. FWICT, of the four of us (his two bio children and the two nephews), only one seems to be on that path, and it took until adulthood to get there.
I love the story and see people elevate themselves regularly. I would never say that everyone is beyond help, even in a large family.
Agreed here. I have found that hiring people with food service and military experience for the white-collar work I do is almost always a good move, and the people I know who have successfully elevated themselves are more enjoyable as friends (as a group) than those who haven't.
Another person mentioned (according to JD Vance) that there's no silver bullet to lifting people out of poverty and dysfunction, even at the scale of personal relationships. Offering your hand to the proverbial crabs to lift themselves up is admirable, but your dad and OP should generally be prepared for some of them to fall back in. Regardless of how much you help.
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