practical_romantic
Pretending to be a cs undergrad.
User ID: 975
I am not doing well at all, I pulled my first 14-hour day a few days ago, it was not clean at all but I went from doing nothing to actually being somewhat better than what I thought I could be, from 0 hours per week to 40 plus. I have to implement this paper on Spectrograms and train some models (Deep learning stuff) and so far the pre-processing part has been kicking my ass and the deadline of the weekend has made me go nuts. I cannot sleep, all I think about is failing this assignment and never making it to the lab I want to work in. I do not want to work the lower paying jobs in the Indian market and wanted to pursue this Deep Learning thing full time, My undergrad got over a few weeks ago and I took the plunge. The research position pays peanuts and I would happily work for free or pay out of my own shallow pockets to work on the kind of stuff that I wish to work on but alas.
I am still working out, I am close to 157 lbs (I began at 145 and at maybe the same level of body fat percentage at 6 foot, totally untrained, still look the same though) and even did MMA for a while. Life just keeps getting worse, I see all my classmates from high school and uni lapping me and getting into great grad schools, partying, enjoying life whilst I am anxious, doing as much work as I can and still failing. My bad decisions have caught up to me but I had to take a day off totally as I was too stressed and too tired to work.
My life sounds like a broken record but the harder I try to fix these things, the more pain I feel. What if I do not get this gig and have to hear my parents and everyone I know scream at me and mock me for trying to get to grad school or trying something like research? It haunts me, I have never worked, studied or even been productive in my life and when I try my hardest I get hit with worse outcomes. My doctor diagnosed me with ulcers due to high amounts of stress and each day I hate myself more, the only reason why I do not hate myself as much as I should is that I try my hardest. Deep Learning stuff is quite fun too, I find the jupyter environment and training models way more fun than anything I ever learned in uni. Udemy and Fastai are great tools.
With no phone, no girls, no social life, no surfing as I blocked everything on my browser or any other distractions, I have been trying this for 2 weeks and can feel tired and helpless. Even really scared of posting about it here or to my friends as I am a frequent liar of sorts so it is reasonable to be skeptical Plus I am not exactly a blood relative that anyone would care beyond a point. Everyone thinks I am a fuck up who would pick garbage and see me as the village idiot. No one else will implement the paper for me and my problems are my own but I always thought that if I worked hard enough some day, I would feel proud of myself but that was fleeting as the next day I realised how much harder this thing was.
Please do not judge me, I am scared and each day I feel worse about my own life. I am sorry. I wish I were more competent but I am finally trying and I just hope that I get my break in a good lab and more importantly that I do get good at the deep learning stuff. The lab is not the main thing here, my not being good enough is and I hope I get there soon.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Every movie has similar themes simply because that is how the world is now, you cannot have a movie that does not bow down to cultural forces of the day as movie production is such a complicated task. It took one man to write faust but something as good or as insightful can never be made again because of the process of creation being in the hands of so many with monetary and opportunity costs that no one will ever cover. Not watching movies, TV, music or even news, social media and videos made in the modern day as much as you can is the correct path forward, everything today feels the same, sterile and replaceable.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Will watch the fights tomorrow, that is about the extant of what I will be doing lol. I cannot enjoy anything else in life as everything is so dependent on me getting the research position I want and shipping these two products in the next 6 months. Still, will watch the fights, spent last week with a fellow clan member who studies in the US, we went around town, saw all the tourist attractions. Dude makes close to 6 figures whilst working a day job, going to uni and shipping his own stuff at his startup whilst being 4 years or so younger than me. We went out to a watering hole at night too and it was amazing. Learnt a ton from him, cannot wait to watch the fights tomorrow and start work.
Also has anyone seen the movies that came out recently? Modern movies seem to be quite political so I tend to just avoid them as much as I can, latest Mission Impossible was a disappointment, Oppenheimer was great, recommend that to everyone, I do not think anyone here would much like barbie (I did not even see it given the juvenile plotline).
practical_romantic
1yr ago
On second thoughts, no need for a weekly thread.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
practical_romantic
1yr ago
I am sick of all modern media in general. Music, movies, tv, comics etc everything feels worse than before and I enjoy reading older things more now it seems. We have an overabundance of entertainment at this point, that alongwith internet surfing probably just raises ones expectations enormously.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Trying to stretch a movie into two did it no good either.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Saw Mission Impossible 7. It was a good movie but I did not like it as much as John Wick 4 or the previous MI movies, maybe it is just action movie fatigue setting in. I sorta have been finding it harder and harder to actually find any joy in most activities but still recommend that others watch the movie. Cruise is in his 60s and still performs some of the most dangerous stunts one can, that too without having the need to do them. Have to respect that immensely. I saw the movie on the first of its release and did enjoy it. It is a two part finale so they left it on a sort of ambiguous ending.
I will also meet a few friends for coffee this Sunday. Has been a while since I have had coffee, the place I kinda intern at has an instant automated espresso maker of sorts and I have to admit that I quite like the taste of it so looking forward to visiting a coffee shop. I just avoid going to any and all places in my town as my mind just hates me for taking time off and enjoying life because of how far behind I am thanks to my bad habits so hopefully I will be able to enjoy a peaceful Sunday and recharge myself.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
I was just looking for ways of sticking to both my strength training and mma. I really wish to be consistent this time around. Most info on google is pretty clickbaity.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
No. I'm a 23 year old male who has never done anything physical in his life besides some inconsistent working out. I'm 6 foot and weigh 150 lbs. I have been working out on a neaely semi consistent basis for a month or more.
My coach saod that my body will adapt to the mma in the weeks to come but I thought getting a different opinion would help. I just don't wanna look Michael Cera like.
How much should I work out then. I am aiming for an upper lower split, working out on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Is this too much? I like HIT because it's better for my joints and takes little to no time. I workout at home using basic equipments and a forearm forklift for timed static contractions.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Any tips on how to ensure I do not feel beat up after working out. I do 4 workouts a week in the morning (upper and lower split) using HIT and do 6 days of MMA for 6 days a week. I began last week and have terrible sleep and bad food habits so feel sore all the time. I have seen a reduction in my levels of soreness so just wanted to get some decent advice. I am a farily skinny rail untrained person and have in fact made progress whilst working out infinitely slower by fucking up my sleep previously so please lemme know what things I can and should expect and possible remedies. Thanks!
practical_romantic
1yr ago
This is a common practise though. Allegedly Tom Cruise uses some cg help to make himself look younger.
Like most things in life, the worst offenders here inclides some of my countrymen, a famous Hindi actor Salman Khan literally had CGI abs in a movie lol.
Diesel can actually act, Keanu has always been a very laconic guy with not a lot of acting chops but at least the movies he appears in are good, he is not fat or out of shape and has a better screen presence than vin.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
they cannot after a point, taken is a good example of that. The amount of jump cuts and stuff just looks fake after a while.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Will read ramayana and likely watch the latest fast and furious movie titled fast x. It is low brow and I did not like the last two at all so hope this one is not another vin diesel fest.
Short rant - Vin Diesel looks old, the dude is not what you would want in an action hero, not because of the bad acting but he also does not look the part at all. The movies themselves have gone from being about stealing dvds and him being a normal man to some sort of brainless avengers ripoff where literally everything revolves around vin. Keanu is another old guy who is not a good actor but at least the John Wick movies are nice, they have good set pieces and are not dumbed down to appeal to 3rd graders.
I also tried out chilli oil ramen, it is an alright thing, just needs a decent packet of ramen without much sugar or coloring or you may risk burning it or making it taste rancid. My sabbatical begins next week so I will spend my last weekend free just reading the glorious ramayana and contemplating on life. Life is good, also cookies and cream is a great ice cream flavor I just found out about.
I finally graduated uni!
Farewell and passing out for the first time in my life
We had a farewell where all of us dressed up in formal clothes for a class photograph with some faculties which was then followed up with a short overnight trip to a resort which was a 2 hour drive from the city.
All of us began drinking and smoking in the bus itself, I was buzzed before we even arrived to the resort and all of us danced a bunch there. Later stripped down to my board shorts and spent close to 8 hours in or near the pool, ending the night with having vodka being poured in my mouth by my classmates followed by a heavy heavy dosage of herbs I cannot legally name. I passed out at 5 am on a bunch of chairs with my face down, waking up to find that my cheap smartphone would not start due to water damage, a serious injury to my left leg I sustained last night whilst running towards the pool, a missing water bottle and pair of glasses.
I fell because the pool was a 100 m walk from the dining hall with zero lights and a bunch of concrete slabs that you cannot see properly,fortunately I did not break anything, just a minor injury to my left toe. My face was barely recognizable, My eyes had more red than white, swelling had physically changed the shape of my face, I was hungover as fuck, unable to stay up, walk or do anything for two straight days. I still have some pain in my wrists because of alcohol lol even though this happened on Saturday.
I am happy uni ended, I hated my classmates, profs and everything about that place so am looking forward to continuing my sabbatical. So yeah, I quite literally finished an entire 4 year degree and documented mot of my life here like a public diary.
Super fun day, I will not drink again , alcohol is not good for someone like me who does not have the kinda skills and life I want to have but I get why people drink it.
The worst part of the night was no girls being there lol but I am used to that at this point staying in this town.Regardless, I will now rest for this entire week before I start my sabbatical again. Benders are fun, especially with friends around. You cannot do this stuff if you are old afterall.
Thesis
This was the sucky part pre farewell where we had to present a thesis of what we did as undrergrads for 4 years under our advisors, everyone just copied code and showed that they did something, it felt like the teachers and students both knew that this is a charade yet we keep up with these things. This was tense, I was worried that my uni would fail me but thankfully that does not seem like the case for now.
The Future
My sabbatical will continue and I think I will take 6 months, ending it with an indiehackers like startup. I was doing it before my thesis but had to take time off due to the thesis bullshit. Following a steady routine, co working and doing what my mentor tells me to do is sorta what I will be doing. Meditation is a very underrated, so is physical culture for that matter. I have had Erectile Dysfunction issues because I would think of my oneitis whilst being intimate with some girls, that coupled with my sky high neuroticism led me to picking it up. I do not have anything bad going on physically with me, I have gotten myself tested extensively, just that my head is in a terrible place which causes these issues but I am sure it will be fixed before the year ends, for good. I should have good updates in a few months, see ya around!!!!
practical_romantic
1yr ago
American unis can be scammy cash cows, fortunately state run tech schools here are great in this regard and are popular among those whose main aspirations are to move up the socio economic hierarchy.
I cannot imagine having student debt hope you are free of it now.
Also I wiil not have sex with any of the girls here. There is no kind way to put that I don't find any girls in the entirity of my uni attractive and that's not because I'm a spoilt for choice delusional brat.
Appreciate the advice!
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Thanks man.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Good advice. Will work out and eat before I drink, also get plenty of sleep.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Yeah. With occasional cigarettes, you at least get immediate feeling of intoxication, alcohol takes longer to kick in and lasts a whole lot longer.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
We'll be at a resort so no driving fortunately but I'll keep your advice of being helpful in mind.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Yeah. I don't drink as I've seen the ill effects and am not stable or on the right path for now so see alcohol as an escape from reality not very helpful currently. Next weekend is a good day off to try it once before life settles down.
practical_romantic
1yr ago
Good advice. I'll keep the bac levels and being slow to drink plus Gatorade thing in mind.
I see this happen with my parents too, not saying that having a slightly higher BMI is good but in some sense I find your issue somewhat relatable. Hope you both lose weight. I do not think fasting or crash dieting would be good for either and losing weight is a slow process but I am sure you will be alright, my dad lost a ton without a lot of significant interventions.
P.S. Something like grappling or climbing on the regular alongside replacing sugar with zero-calorie alternatives might help. Wish you luck!
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