janeerie
Normie quokka
User ID: 713
janeerie
1yr ago
I had a weird conversation with my boss's boss yesterday. It started with talking about a new project I might be involved in, but then went into her telling me that "people don't know how to read you" and "it's hard to tell when you're excited and passionate about something." She also kept repeating that I was very "even-keeled" and I make people feel relaxed. I guess those were supposed to be compliments.
Then she says that I need to come up with a plan for what I am going to do about this! Basically, I need to take some deliberate actions to let people know what I am thinking and feeling. I told her I would set up some check-ins with her where we can talk, but I'm really not sure what else I'm supposed to do. I asked what other people were doing that she felt was more effective, but she didn't have an answer to that.
It was so bizarre, because I am fine with getting feedback if there's an issue with my work, but this seemed to be about how my personality was causing a problem (I'm sorry, I was raised by Midwestern farmers - we're not expressive people). I ended up crying in front of her, which pissed me off. It just touched on some lifelong feelings about feeling a little out of step with people.
To tell the truth, I don't really get "passionate" about things at work. It's work - I enjoy it when I have interesting problems to work on, but I'm passionate about my family, about ideas, not about work stuff. I suppose that's why I appear "even-keeled" at work, because I don't deeply care about any of that crap so it's easy to let things slide off my back.
janeerie
1yr ago
I had a hard time enjoying the "Haunting of Hill House" series because of this. I know I should go back and watch it on its own terms, but why on earth did they have to give it that title?
janeerie
1yr ago
Back with Albion's Seed, and it's really just making me want to dive deep into every aspect of American history. I'd love any book recommendations!
janeerie
1yr ago
I don't see how this follows. I'm a mottizan - why do I think the mottizan is a clown unless he is making bad arguments and saying stuff that isn't true?
Similarly, there are plenty of Catholics who I take quite seriously. The ones I don't take seriously are the ones who are acting like clowns.
janeerie
1yr ago
I've had this on my reading list for ages, but feel like I really need to be in the right mindset for it. I'm concerned it might be a little too dark to be enjoyable.
janeerie
1yr ago
This is my experience also. While I always opposed an abortion ban, I honestly had no idea how many downstream repercussions there would be from them. It's kind of shocking how people cannot be depended upon to make common sense decisions.
I mean, like I say, I'm a pretty high-functioning anxious person. My guiding principle has always been to not let my anxiety dictate my behavior. I don't even mention my anxiety to my husband because he's already given me any advice he can.
This is a purely internal experience I'm dealing with, and I'm probably making it sound much worse than it actually is. It's just exhausting to have it there with me every day.
Edit: I do recall seeing a comment you made about your wife (your username always stood out to me for some reason!), and it sounds like she's really struggling. Has she ever gotten any professional help? It seems like CBT would be quite helpful, since she has external behavioral patterns that need to change. I guess the problem would be if she doesn't internally have the motivation to do that work.
janeerie
1yr ago
If your problem is anxiety, I think that dwelling on the notion that your brain or mind are broken is only going to make your anxiety worse. I find thoughts like that to be very distressing and create a lot of anxiety for myself.
I think I explained this better in a follow-up comment, but it's really about accepting that my brain's danger alert system is broken. It's on a very high sensitivity setting and gives me too many false alarms. Understanding that I don't have to pay attention to every alarm has been very helpful.
Why? If it's not affecting your work and your life, then what makes it bad? The rendered opinion of therapy cultists that Mental Health is Important? There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.
It's actually the therapists who are telling me that I should accept living with anxiety and it's not necessarily a bad thing. However, I find the visceral experience extremely unpleasant, and I don't understand how to come to peace with that. It's like trying to convince myself that a headache doesn't hurt. That's the big stumbling block I have hit.
janeerie
1yr ago
Yeah, the full story there is that my brain is always sending me warnings that something is dangerous and I need to protect myself. My previous response was to buckle in and try to figure out more about the danger and what I needed to do, and only then decide if it was a real danger. I've come to realize that that's like taking a danger warning from a 2-year-old seriously. I'm just kind of an idiot in that regard, and it's helpful to recognize that.
janeerie
1yr ago
It’s a bitch having a mild mental disorder.
I sit here remarkably sane by all outward appearances. I have a family that I take good care of and have good relationships with. I do well at my job. I am smart with my money and make good, responsible decisions. I get along with pretty much everybody. But inside I am constantly struggling with anxiety, and the fear that the anxiety will get so bad that all of this will fall apart. I am consumed by a fear of fear.
In the past, my main problem was panic attacks. I always had a fear in the back of my head that I might have another and it was quite distracting. But it didn’t really affect the course of my life. I would hear about people who become agoraphobic, or who do all kinds of OCD rituals, and I just couldn’t relate. I’ve never experienced anything like depression. I just walk around scared most of the time.
Getting on medication pretty much cured my panic disorder, and when I had my child I went off meds and a round of CBT kept me from relapsing. I’ve always had health anxiety, but that also fades into the background as long as nothing weird is going on with my body. I have been back on medication for the past couple of years, but it doesn’t seem to be helping nearly as much as it used to.
I always have the thought in the back of my head that my anxiety might get so bad that it will ruin my life. If I read about somebody with intense OCD or who develops DP/DR, I think “Why couldn’t that happen to me?” If these are just disorders of thinking, why wouldn’t my own brain go down that path? It causes a huge spike of anxiety, which eventually goes away and I return to my baseline. I basically live in a world of potential triggers.
My latest therapist was big into ACT, which stresses the importance of continuing to do the things that you really want to do, and just letting the anxiety come along for the ride. I already do that, but the anxiety prevents me from getting the most emotionally and mentally out of those things that I am doing.
One of the things that helps me most is to just understand that my brain is broken. I can’t trust the things it is telling me. That’s very difficult when in so many other places my brain has served me very well. In some sense, my fear of fear is entirely logical. It’s quite clear that anxiety can make you miserable so why shouldn’t I be afraid of it? It’s just an unfortunate reality that it causes this terrible cycle:
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I know being anxious is bad.
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I know anxiety is something that my own brain produces.
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I am afraid I won’t be able to stop my brain from producing more anxiety.
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Hence I am more anxious.
The weak spot in this seems to be point 3 - that actually there are ways to stop my brain from causing more anxiety. I’m just having a hard time developing trust in those. An added wrinkle is that I am afraid to examine my brain too much. The concept of consciousness is really scary to me. I am afraid there is a fundamental truth about reality out there that I don’t want to encounter.
I guess it just feels like I’ve hit the wall on what I can get out of therapy, and I’m going to have to always deal with an elevated, sub-clinical level of anxiety that bugs the hell out of me. Thanks, brain!
janeerie
1yr ago
Not Better Mortgage. They work on smaller loans and provide a service to loan providers.
I did survive the first round of layoffs at my agency, which kind of surprised me because I was newish and I think I am one of the higher paid people. I do think I'd be a happy camper if I had a project! I'm just discouraged by our pipeline prospects.
janeerie
1yr ago
For me, it's more of an issue that being idle is bad for my mental health. I start spinning onto other problems to solve if I don't have something meaty to work on. I don't think being unemployed would be terrible (I'm sure I'd find something to do), but I'd just rather not.
janeerie
1yr ago
I’m a UX/Product Designer. Pretty well established in my career, so mostly just looking for a stable work environment.
janeerie
1yr ago
I need some career advice. My priority right now is finding some job security, and I'm not sure which of these options is best in the current environment.
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Stay where I am for now. I'm at a digital agency, but I lost my last client project in November and have been sitting on the bench since then. We don't seem to have a whole lot coming in the pipeline anytime soon. I still have a job and am getting paid, but who knows how long that will last (plus, I'm bored as hell)
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Join a large-ish company that is in the loan space. Their stock price has dropped a lot lately and it doesn't seem like a great space to be in while interest rates are so high. But they are hiring, so...
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Join my former boss's two start-ups/projects. He says he has funding for now but I have no idea what that actually means. I've asked for more details before seriously considering.
I have health insurance through my husband, so that's not a concern. I just really hate the idea of having some period of unemployment. I'm a relentless optimist, so my gut instinct is to think that any of these will turn out great, and I could use some more hardheaded opinions on this.
janeerie
1yr ago
Yeah, I feel so much better on the days I don't exercise. But I still do it nearly every day because I heard it's good for you.
janeerie
1yr ago
Love that idea - and there are so many great short stories out there! I might suggest it when it's my turn to pick.
janeerie
1yr ago
Yeah, the writing feels very "informed by Internet culture." It's like it's trying too hard to be appealing to me, which I find off-putting. At least it's short and I can get back to my other books soon!
janeerie
1yr ago
I agree that monopolistic competition is bad, which is why it's terrible that I can have one hospital in my city and their ER doesn't take insurance. What is the average person supposed to do in that situation? They can't shop around; they just have to eat whatever medical bill comes their way, on top of whatever they and their employer pay for insurance.
Emergency medicine is a place where the free market system really breaks down, and we need a different solution from what we have now. I don't know if the surprise billing legislation is the best situation, but what else is being proposed?
janeerie
1yr ago
Can you point me to any support for this statement, or why this legislation would be undesirable for consumers?
janeerie
1yr ago
I joined a book club, so I'm now reading Project Hail Mary though I hadn't really intended to. I read The Martian a while ago and thought it was fine.
I love the idea of book clubs, but hate how they require you to read certain books that might not otherwise be on your list. I know there's the argument that it helps you diversify your tastes, but there are just too many books out there that I won't live long enough to read that I hate spending time on one I'm not passionate about. So in my ideal world I have a book club, and I am the autocratic dictator who chooses every book.
Anyway, the book is interesting enough so far (I'm 1/5 in). It is a little weird to me though that it follows the same pattern of The Martian of "guy alone in space."
janeerie
1yr ago
I've had this happen. The last town we lived in, the entire ER staff was out-of-network! Do you know if your state has a law against surprise billing? I am really happy that I now live someplace that does.
janeerie
1yr ago
Well, that was one I had to Google!
It's amazing to me that my mother-in-law, who barely understands what's going on around her at any point, has every relative and friend's birthday memorized. It has really never occurred to me to become a person who remembers birthdays, but maybe that would be a nice thing to be!
It's kind of brutal out there right now. I'm also interviewing, getting decent response rates, but stalling out at some point in the process (got rejected after a 5-hour interview round last week). In my field, I think the market just got flooded with all the recent layoffs and now there's too much brand-name competition. I also see stated salaries nowhere near where they were a year ago.
I think it's time to hunker down and lower expectations/tighten budgets. I don't see a lot of potential for raising one's salary in the near future.
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