Ponder
9mo ago
The only reliable way to meet people in person anymore has been, in my experience, through academia. I had decent dating success in graduate school, though I think that might be more a statement about me/the social settings that I thrive and in
I think you're on to something here and you may be able to replicate this success by carefully selecting the IRL settings. Two key things that help IRL are (1) finding a place with singles that you find attractive and (2) places where you can be in a position of slightly higher status/expertise relative to the other people in that setting.
Things like volunteering or running a niche book club are potential places where you might be able to find success.
Ponder
9mo ago
Why did you join the org?
Other people might want to join for the same reasons as you.
If you can't think of a good reason why you joined then why not just leave the org and let other people handle it?
Ponder
10mo ago
There may be some unfulfilled part of your mind is inaccessible to the conscious mind. It is alerting you that you are ignoring it by manifesting as unhappiness. You could try to get in touch with that part of your mind through things like Internal Family Systems, Internal Double Crux, a therapist, or psychedelics.
Once you have a better idea of what this unfulfilled desire is then it should be much clearer what you need to do differently in your life to feel happy. It could potentially be a lack of some type of deeper connection with people and/or the world.
Ponder
10mo ago
Another comment mentioned testosterone and I will add n=1 that when I supplement testosterone (Cistanche or Tongkat Ali) I feel slightly more competitive.
I will also add that I don't like artificial competitions like sports or video games. I do things because I enjoy them not because I need to compare my results to others. I focus on collaborative non-hierarchal endeavors such as attending support groups and book clubs. That makes me much happier. IMO building things together with people feels better than winning competitions. Sometimes there is a small competitive component such as wanting to your local organization/club to be held in higher esteem than similar organizations, but that would never preclude me from helping out my competition if they asked nicely.
Ponder
10mo ago
I haven't fully fleshed this one out but big pharma appears to have some amount of control over the FDA.
There are effective and unique Russian drugs (https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/08/16/an-iron-curtain-has-descended-upon-psychopharmacology/) that the FDA goes out of their way to keep out the hands of Americans. You can't get them prescribed by US doctors and the FDA has been cracking down on vendors that sell them (https://liftmode.com/product-discontinuation/). It is legal to import and sell them if you market them as 'not intended for human consumption' but they appear to be cracking down on this by arguing that the vendor knows that customers are buying with the intent to consume them.
If the FDA really cared about it's stated goal of 'protecting the public health' then it would create a safe and legal path for these drugs to be obtained by Americans. Since the FDAs actions benefit American big pharma at the expense of public health I would assume that big pharma has some amount of influence/control over the FDA.
Ponder
11mo ago
I haven't had a girlfriend in years, but I have low sex-drive. I believe I'm on the autism spectrum and being around people for extended periods of time is emotionally draining to me. I would describe my life as content. Objectively, I have decent career. I'm in situations where I could find a girlfriend if I wanted to, but it doesn't seem worth the effort unless I were to encounter a woman who was very unique and idiosyncratic in ways that complimented my neurodivergence.
There are definitely ways to live a fulfilling life without a romantic partner, but it often requires finding meaning and connection from other sources. I think your limited social life may be a source of dissatisfaction in your life. I am able to get many of my social needs met through a close friend, social events where we talk about deeper topics, and some spiritual exploration.
You might consider asking yourself questions along the lines of:
- Does the way I'm living provide a meaningful life to me?
- Do I feel a sense of connection to others and/or the world?
If you are experience dissatisfaction in areas like those then that would probably indicate that on some level you want more out of life and need to make changes. The changes may be unrelated to your relationship status.
Ponder
11mo ago
When am I allowed to mace a hobo?
If that is a question that you really want to know the answer to then ask a police officer that is stationed in area. They are the ones that enforce the rules/laws so they should be able to give you an idea of how this would play out and may give you some tips on how to do it in a way that would cause the least amount of trouble for you. They probably dislike dealing with the hobos so they might be incentivized to give you useful advice in dealing with the situation. The caveat being that an individual police officer may not speak for the whole department.
I think a more relevant question is:
- When should you mace a hobo?
The answer to that question is probably close to never, unless you are personally in danger and can't deescalate the situation in some other way.
Hobos have a lot less to lose than you. A sad reality, as you are probably aware, is that many times the person who cares the least about the consequences of their actions often has a power advantage in the situation. Gabbling hobos usually fall into at least one of 2 general buckets:
- Oblivious to some relevant parts of reality and therefore dangerous because their behavior is unpredictable
- Know that they can get away with their behavior because other people don't want to deal with the potential social/legal consequences of trying to stop them.
Furthermore, this question has an ethical component:
- Why should you intervene to help other people if it is not your job and has no benefit to you?
My personal view on this is something like this: If society encourages/rewards me for helping people, and there is no risk of consequences to me, then I will often be happy to help other people. To a limit of course: I'm not being paid to do it and therefore much of my time needs to be spent pursuing my own economic interests. There are many benefits to society (and therefore me as participant in said society) if people help each other out, and doing good deeds can often be its own reward.
However, in your story so mention your coworker's attitude to this situation was to worry about that "that poor man's mental illness" instead of encouraging you to help the woman. Ideally, society's response to standing up to hobos that are harassing people would be something like this:
- The people in the area appreciate and cheer when someone stands up to the hobo.
- If you tell the story of standing up to a hobo the response is near 100% that you are good person who did a good deed.
- The authorities have a clear policy that it is ok to mace hobos if they are harassing someone and the authorities will not take any action against you.
- People that justifiably mace hobos never face legal consequences.
If those conditions are not all met then my default response would be that I'm only responsible and obligated to solve problems that personally impact me. If there is a problem in society where those conditions are not met then other people need to change their norms and attitudes to incentivize me to help them.
If society wants to tolerate anti-social behaviors in an attempt to be more compassionate towards people suffering mental health issues then that is fine. Just don't expect people to be good Samaritans when that "tolerance" creates social stigma against intervening in situations where someone with mental health issues is causing problems for others.
I'll find other situations and environments where my help is appreciated and respected.
Ponder
11mo ago
- I avoid eye contact, and I get very uncomfortable if I force myself to hold eye contact
- Trouble understanding non-verbal social cues, especially in real-time
- Flat affect (showing very little emotion even if other people are). I also don't feel emotions much at all.
- Disinterest/frustration with social interactions especially in large group or with people I don't know well
- Disinterest in small talk, sports, etc.
- Very logical/rational thinking and wanting to do things efficiently without regard for emotions.
- Sticking to routines (eating similar food each week, doing similar things on a weekly basis, etc.)
Ponder
11mo ago
I don't drink often (~twice a month, never more than once a week) and only at bars. I aim for about .06-.08 BAC when I drink. On days I drink I also take Phenibut in the morning, which potentiates the alcohol in the evening. I become very confident and charismatic when I'm in this state (as long as I'm interacting with non-sober people). It feels amazing and euphoric. It is also like exposure therapy because some of the confidence remains when I sober up.
I intentionally only drink at bars so that I do not become dependent on needing alcohol in everyday situations.
What has your experience with alcohol been? Do you think I should drink or more or less than I do?
Ponder
11mo ago
I don't think any of these dates developed emotional attachments to me. The pattern seemed to be that she would view me as a nice/pleasant/reliable person but there wasn't enough beyond to generate a deeper emotional attachment.
Ponder
11mo ago
For spiritual growth you probably want to meet with a priest, not ask an internet forum for relationship advice. Likewise a financial planner is the person to talk to about your retirement account.
Indeed, and I am pursuing non-internet advice on those things. I was mostly bringing them up to make the point that they seemed more salient than romantic relationships in terms of life satisfaction.
I will add though that someone here mentioned John Vervaeke's Awakening from the Meaning Crisis and that has been really helpful on my spiritual journey. It gives me grammar and knowledge that I can use in other places of spiritual exploration.
Ponder
11mo ago
He sounds like he would do well in a government job. The public school experience will help him stand out from other candidates. Many government jobs do not require specialized skills or much in the way of people skills.
Once you have a government job it is easy to advance in the government because the hiring process favors people with government specific experience. There are many types of government jobs so he should be able to find something that appeals to him (clerk, bus driver, parks maintenance, etc.). If there is a lot of competition for government jobs in his area there is always to option to start with a less competitive limited term employment opportunity and transfer to full time position later.
Many entry-level government jobs pay significantly higher than minimum wage and are easier and more flexible than minimum wage jobs. Additionally, many governments have pensions, longevity programs, and fringe benefits so people can do quite well through sheer diligence.
Ponder
11mo ago
Far enough that it's true that you never really cared?
Maybe a better way to express my thought is: I had an idealized version of what having a girlfriend would look like and how it would change my life. That is what I cared about and wanted.
After getting a girlfriend and many subsequent post-breakup dating interactions I realized that girlfriends and romantic relationships look a lot different than what I had idealized. I no longer cared much about them after replacing my idealized version of these ideas with versions based on my experiences.
Another potential component of this is I sometimes want something (such as a job) because I think it will be greatly beneficial. If I can’t get it then I will fixate on how much better my life would be if I just had this one thing. Then once I finally get it I quickly stop caring very much about it because it didn’t have the benefit I was expecting.
Ponder
11mo ago
That makes sense.
I’ve had some short-term romantic relationships and they always ended up feeling like the effort I was putting in wasn’t worth it. I felt like I was in a constant audition for her attention and that I had to remain vigilant about everything I did around her so she wouldn’t lose interest and leave me for another man with more relationship experience. I felt there were a lot of things I couldn’t open up about because it would be perceived as a sign of weakness.
My mental model of romantic relationships is probably heavily influenced by those experiences. If all future relationships are going to be like the past ones then I would be happier by remaining single. However, maybe not all relationships would turn out like that. Maybe I could find my 99% match that is unlike the other women I have been in romantic relationships with. I have a hard time envisioning that a new relationship would be different from previous ones based on my observations when interacting with new women.
Ponder
11mo ago
I’m satisfied for now, but I think there is room for improvement. I don’t know exactly what these improvements would be, but two thoughts that come to mind are spiritual growth and being able to retire sooner.
Being single seems optimal for now. In the future as I age I could see how that version of me would prefer some type of romantic relationship if it was low maintenance and with a woman who had a very low interest in sex.
Ponder
11mo ago
I recently watched a film regarding male loneliness and aging. Specifically, the main character was a middle-aged janitor that did not appear to ever pursue, or have any successful, romantic relationships. The premise of the movie is that he was often in a state of fantasy and delusion. He was shy and never approached women. In his fantasy he was intelligent and younger and he met a girlfriend at a trivia event.
The movie was mostly told from the perspective of his fictional girlfriend. In the fantasy/delusion many things initially seemed like reality, yet the movie seemed very eerie. As the movie progressed details kept shifting in a way that wasn’t consistent with reality (the fictional girlfriend had different careers, the parents weren’t a consistent age). The fictional girlfriend would sometimes verbalize that she was confused about details of the relationship or the events that were occurring. At the end of the movie the main character realizes it is all a delusion and commits suicide.
My interpretation of the movie was that it was trying to show the pain of male loneliness and how the mind can cope through maladaptive interpretations of reality and how the mind eventually starts to unravel when reconciling fantasy to reality.
I have some autistic traits which cause me to struggle with romantic relationships and I can see how in my past this caused me to have a maladaptive interpretation of reality. I would often place far too much blame on women for being shallow, etc. instead of looking inwards. SSC helped me get a better grip on reality and made me realize that I needed to improve myself. I have made a lot of progress on social anxiety and I’m much better at talking to people.
While my self-improvement journey led to a significant reduction of social anxiety when talking to new people (including attractive women) some new thoughts came to light. I’m now starting to question whether these new thoughts are just delusion cope:
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I never really cared about getting a girlfriend, I just wanted social approval from my peers.
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My sex drive has been especially low since I reduced my social anxiety. I haven’t really cared much about sex since then.
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I don’t have a desire to try pursing a romantic relationship again because I enjoy alone time too much.
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Most relationships require a draining amount of social performance (autistic masking) and it just doesn’t feel like it is worth the effort anymore.
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My occasional social interactions are enough to satiate my social needs so I don’t need to seek deeper relationships.
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I have self-diagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome and that is why I struggle with social connections.
How do I tell if any of these thoughts are just lies that I’m telling myself? My original strategy was to externalize my failures by blaming women and society, etc. Maybe now I have internalized my failures in ways that aren’t true.
Ponder
11mo ago
I think it is unlikely that the Hock will lead you to a healthy and stable romantic relationship with a woman you desire. If the need for a romantic relationship remains unmet then I think whatever thought process that caused you to think the Hock is a solution will manifest again with other unorthodox approaches to your romantic struggles.
It is clear that you have written-off the traditional approaches to resolving your romantic struggles. If the Hock doesn't solve the issue, then I don't think the experience will cause you to revisit the traditional approaches that you have written-off.
Assuming you almost die, but ultimately survive, you will probably be much more likely to avoid considering doing dangerous things again. You could end up with PTSD. Maybe you will become more spiritual or something.
Just to make it clear I in no way endorse the Hock. The benefits are miniscule (or net negative), the risks are enormous, and there are many safer and potentially more effective approaches that you have failed to give serious consideration to.
Ponder
11mo ago
My real problem, I think, is that I don't have as much patience for others as I used to, because I feel on edge all the time.
I feel the same way. I have somewhat alleviated this by being more intentional about the environments/situations I put myself in. In things like men's circle, book clubs, and mental health support groups I have much more patience for people. It is probably due to some combination of me finding the discussions interesting, people being more open-minded, and/or being in situations where people can talk about more vulnerable things.
I guess you could dig deeper into what you like and dislike about certain environments, but I mostly rely on intuition. If I lose patience with people I'll just disengage with that specific environment and spend more time in one I like.
In an earlier attempt at therapy, the only actual unit of value was the advice to use deep, slow breathing as a quick antidote to anxiety (something something parasympathetic nervous system)
That technique, along with the parasympathetic nervous system, is explained in much greater detail here: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/QnZRvud7fXfpdxBY3/againstness
I do think some level of fatherly Jordan-Peterson-style, "get yourself together, man, make something of yourself, you're better than this!" would be incredibly helpful and motivating.
Sometimes people need information on what they need to do. They need to look at their problems from an outsider's perspective to gain insight. However, once they have the necessary information then sometimes they need an outsider to provide motivation/accountability in order to follow through on something (for example: they know they need to eat healthier). If you need help following through on something there are other ways to get that without therapy.
Ponder
11mo ago
I think the catalyst for lower home prices is going to be rising unemployment rates. As the higher for longer interest rate strategy by the Fed plays out we could start to see increasing unemployment. This is because higher interest rates mean that less business endeavors are profitable so less employees are needed. Rising unemployment results in defaults/forced sales in a time where there are less people that can afford to buy homes.
I don't have any confidence in predicting if unemployment rates will significantly rise. The fed might pull off a soft landing and if that is the case there wouldn't be much of a catalyst for lower housing prices.
Ponder
11mo ago
My initial thought was to try IFS techniques to get a deeper understanding of your inner critics/exiles so that you can help repurpose them. However, I see you have already tried IFS.
Since you are not satisfied with the results of your sober techniques, I would gently point you toward considering psilocybin in a low to medium dose. It may open your mind to new ways of approaching your relationship to yourself. It can make new ways of thinking about yourself feel salient and "real" causing you to feel like you can actually change them when sober. After a single experience you may gain a deeper appreciation and insight into the sober practices that you have already tried. Specifically, you may feel more in touch with different "parts" of yourself and this will lead to increased success with IFS.
People sometimes say psilocybin (or other psychedelics) feel like years of therapy after a single dose.
In the lesswrong link they talk about MDMA and that seems like it could work too.
Ponder
1yr ago
Interesting, thanks for sharing.
I think a good data point for determining if despair is rising would be to look at attempted suicides.
I found a Polish study, it says (based on data from General Police Headquarters of Poland)
In the analyzed age group, an increase in the number of suicide attempts has been observed over a period of 20 years (Figure 1). During recent 5 years, the number has more than doubled—from 428 in 2014 to 905 in 2019
I haven't found good US data but I think this is an interesting angle to explore.
Ponder
1yr ago
I found https://www.samhsa.gov/data/nsduh/national-releases there is a number in each years report like this:
Among adults aged 18 or older in 2021, 22.8% (or 57.8 million people) had any mental illness (AMI) in the past year.
In 2021, 5.5% of adults aged 18 or older (or 14.1 million people) had serious mental illness (SMI) in the past year.
I think this will be a decent way to see the trend. It is self-reported but there would be some consistency due to some of the same respondents self-reporting over multiple years.
I once lived in an apartment complex that would have occasional events where you could have snacks and meet with the neighbors. It was a good way for people in the complex to meet others and socialize.
Maybe if you proposed an informal event that had food and games (yard/board) where the main purpose was getting to know your neighbors there would be some interest. There seems to be demand for this type of thing. People like to know their neighbors but need someone else to take initiative and come up with a reason for people to meet.
Then at this event you could briefly talk about the neighborhood org and also ask people if they have ideas for future events and would be interested in helping organize the next one.
ETA: If I was invited to an event where the main purpose was to get me to join an neighborhood org I would probably decline because that could lead to work and commitments that I'd prefer to avoid. It sounds like a ploy to get me to do unpaid work. However, if someone was organizing an event to meet the neighbors I'd be much more enthusiastic because that sounds casual and fun. Then if I was vibing with the neighbors at the casual event and someone brought up the neighborhood org I'd be much more inclined to help out with it.
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