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SubstantialFrivolity

I'm not even supposed to be here today

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joined 2022 September 04 22:41:30 UTC
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SubstantialFrivolity


								

								

								
								
								

								
							
					
 
				


				
I'm not even supposed to be here today

				
				
				

				

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					joined 2022 September 04 22:41:30 UTC
				


				
					

					
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				Culture War Roundup for the week of November 10, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
...General Kenobi?


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 9, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					


I'm surprised and dismayed at some of the other comments suggesting marriage or more effort on your part.




Yeah, I agree with this. Even if OP was to keep up in the relationship and try to make it work, marriage is not a good idea with how things stand today.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 9, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I read the whole thing. Ye of little faith! Unfortunately, I don't see a good path forward for you two. Let's break it down:


    

  1. You have an absolute dealbreaker with moving to the city where she lives. Forget the cost of living, that's bad enough, but the psychological problems you said are too big to ignore. It sounds like you're doing everything you can on that front, so until the therapy helps you more (if indeed it does), you're at an impasse. The obvious rejoinder to this issue you have is "just move and put up with the stress, how hard can it be bro"... but based on what you said it's not that simple and it'll be very hard (to say the least) for you to cope with the stress until you adjust.
    2. 

  2. She refuses to live where you are. I totally understand your frustration with her seeming shifting of the goalposts, but either way her reasons add up to it being a dealbreaker for her to live in your city.
    3. 



And that means I think you two are not gonna make it. Even if she has the best of intentions and really loves you with all her heart, you two have irreconcilable differences in what you want out of life. You can't half live in each other's cities any more than you can half have kids and not have kids. Sometimes you can't compromise on something, and that's the end of the road for that relationship. So even if you both are trying to make it work as hard as possible, I don't think you can make it work. And on top of that...


I don't think she's actually trying all that hard to make this work. Let me give the caveat that I don't know her, and I'm only getting your version of events, which is to say I'm not getting an unbiased perspective at all. But with that caveat out of the way, I think her reasons for not wanting to move are weak as hell and it makes me think she's not as willing to commit to you as you are to her. "There's no public transportation" is imo a preference, not something you should ever elevate to the level that it would kill a relationship. And on top of that, every time you've tried to address that concern of hers, she moves the goalposts ("I don't want you to have to drive me" and "I'm concerned for my career"). At least being concerned for her career is a better objection, but still. The fact that she is following up one reason with another as soon as you address the first, makes those "reasons" come across more as "excuses". All in all, (again with the caveat I stated up front), I don't think this girl loves you the way you do her.


So yeah, for two different reasons I don't think it's gonna work for you two. I'm really sorry man, I don't want to be a wet blanket. I'm sure this is unwelcome to hear. But you asked for blunt and honest, and my blunt, honest assessment is that this relationship is a bust.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I mean, I would say that is exactly how the first DLC works to be fair. You get to go on quests for Kibellah's story but they are self contained and don't have any implications for the main story. That is also how Lex Imperialis works, but the side quests are generally engaging (and they cooked up some interesting combat encounters, which is always nice). The only thing which ties back into the main story to any real extent is that you get to spend more time with the Administratum prefect from the base game (she even gets a portrait now!), and she will have some tasks for you. No idea if you can make Solomorne not dogmatic - I wasn't aware you could shift companion alignment at all, I thought it was set in stone.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Thanks, this is good stuff. As it happens I also play TEC (Enclave, so far), so this is perfect for me. Right now my basic approach is to spread my fleet comp around - I have some corvettes, some light frigates, a few flak frigates, some LRM frigates, and so on, plus one of each cap. That has been working pretty well against the AI, though sometimes I do need to make use of the garrisons (offensive garrison is a hell of a thing) to win large engagements. I definitely do focus down priority targets - titans and capital ships mainly, but also starbases when I'm tackling a fortified enemy system. It helps a lot because I had noticed that ship targeting is pretty lackluster if you just let them do whatever they want.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I do, and so does everyone that I've seen in the other situations you might use the word. For example, I've never seen someone say "pay homage" and pronounce it with the "o-mazh" pronunciation, it's only with "a homage" that they French-ify the pronunciation for whatever reason. I do drop the h at the beginning of "honest", as one generally does.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					


I haven't gotten the new Arbites DLC but i hear its not very good, unlike the Void Shadows one which is excellent.




I thought  that Lex Imperialis was also excellent. The story is well done, has some very fun moments, and Solomorne is a great party member. YMMV though.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I'm glad others are playing! Sins 1 was a masterpiece, and my basic verdict on Sins 2 has been "it's more of the same and that's perfect". The only change I don't like in Sins 2 is the removal of the pirates mechanic - while they still exist, I just don't find the current form as fun as the way they worked in the first game. Otherwise it's the perfect sequel in my eyes.


I'm curious, do you have any good guides on the strategic considerations of fleet composition? It's unlikely to be necessary for me (as I only play AI matches and don't touch MP), but I'd be interested to learn more about the game. My fleets tend to be a random mishmash of ships without any real deep strategic consideration behind it, so I'm sure I have a lot to learn.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Very well, the gauntlet has been thrown down. Let there only be enmity between us from this day forward!


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I'm an American, and yes it is.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I mean... maybe in some cases, but people do write "an homage" all the time. So either they are pronouncing "homage" wrong, or they are getting the grammar rule for a/an wrong.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Oh man I have several.


    

  • "I could care less"
    • 

  • "For all intensive purposes"
    • 

  • Misuse of "literally" to mean "figuratively"
    • 

  • Saying "an homage". My brother in Christ, the  first sound in "homage" is an H, not a vowel. You should say "a homage". Technically this one is more the mispronunciation of "homage" than the grammar rule being used wrongly
    • 



All of those get under my skin quite a bit. I just ignore it because nobody likes a grammar Nazi to correct them, but they do annoy me.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for November 7, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
The DLC integrates well into the main game, so I would enable it (and did for my first playthrough this past year). I'm not great at character building so I don't have a ton of tips, but one thing I found is that RT is very much a game of stacking buffs. 3% damage here, an extra attack there, and when you add them up the character becomes a killing machine. And speaking of extra attacks, look out for things that say they do not count against the one attack per turn limit. They are generally very powerful options to take.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Wellness Wednesday for November 5, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Another option might be volunteering. IDK what things are like in Anchorage, but by me there are all kinds of charitable organizations (e.g. Habitat for Humanity) that are always looking for volunteers. It's free (obviously), often pretty easy to do (because they want to make it easy to get volunteers contributing), you will generally get to socialize with people while you are there, and it feels good to do something to help others.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Wellness Wednesday for November 5, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I don't wish to be unkind, but I think you need to take a step back from your own perspective on this one. I'm sure you are pretty unhappy about not having a job or a wife, but that doesn't make it "bragging" when someone else mentions those things about their life in passing. Nor is it very helpful to bite someone's head off when they were trying to help you. This is a situation where even if it made you feel bad, the right thing to do is to remind yourself that they weren't trying to take a dig at you and let it go.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Wellness Wednesday for November 5, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Sorry, I'm not really sure how best to answer your questions. Would you truly say, upon introspection, that you have literally zero joy every single day? I assume you're telling the truth and that you feel that way at this moment, but let's say tomorrow morning or another time once your brain has had a chance to reset. There's not even one second of joy? Not something as simple as a hot shower, listening to good music, or eating a tasty meal? It seems to me like there is likely to be something, however small and insignificant it may seem right now, that you do enjoy. Obviously I'm not you and can't say for sure. But if there is anything, then perhaps focusing on those things can help. Or perhaps not. All I can say is that approach has helped me at times.


I wish I had some pat answer I could give you of "do this one weird trick and you'll be happier", but unfortunately I don't. Honestly I don't even have any training or knowledge on how to help people who struggle with their mental health. But for what it's worth, I'm genuinely sorry thar you are in so much pain. You seem like a decent guy, and it sounds like life has dealt you a pretty rough hand. I wish I could do more to help, brother.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Wellness Wednesday for November 5, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I turned 40 this year, and one thing which helped me was to just stubbornly insist "I'm going to have a good time, fuck my inner voices". Specifically I didn't want to be depressed because I'm (approximately) halfway through my years on this earth, because it seemed to me like it would be a waste to spend my limited time worrying about my death. I know that's not exactly what you're going through, but perhaps a similar approach of trying to focus on the good things and enjoy them might help you?


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Culture War Roundup for the week of November 3, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					


Catholicism and the unbroken link back to the first Apostles is all predicated on the idea that the Christians of today are living exactly the way the Christians of the first century did if you were to go back in time. The two groups would be indistinguishable.




That isn't true. The unbroken link held by the Catholic and Orthodox churches is predicated on the idea that the first Apostles appointed successors, who appointed their successors in turn, and so on all the way to today. It has nothing to do with the liturgy remaining the same, or the people's lives remaining the same, or anything like that.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 2, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
You do you, but for me... fuck that noise. I'm not going to change my writing style because LLMs use mannerisms I do, nor because it causes people to falsely think my writing was LLM generated. To me, doing that would be a weakness. IMO it's better to be your own person even if some think less of you for that.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 2, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Lack of success despite trying (to a point: at some point one starts to figure "if I've failed every time I'm just going to fail this time too" and gives up, but that took years). One thing that's continually surprising to me is how much those years of rejection still hurt on some level. Logically it makes no sense - I made it. I genuinely love my wife and we have a great relationship, but somehow in defiance of rational thought it's hard to shake the feelings of pain from back then. Thankfully it gets easier year by year - at this point it's mostly gone, but not entirely.


Similarly I think you are completely correct in your analysis of the situation I described with insecurity. We've been together 10 years, married for 8 - I won over all those other dudes, and I have the receipts to show it. Unfortunately (as I'm sure you're well aware, lol), human brains are pretty shit at being rational sometimes. Thankfully that, too, is getting easier year by year - perhaps it's habituation, perhaps something else, but it has gotten easier even if it has never gone away entirely (and I'm doubtful that it'll ever go away entirely).


I've been trying to think on the points that you and @fmac raised, so as to try to give you both a good answer and not just shooting from the hip. I think that ultimately, the reason I feel insecure in the way I do is not because I fear something per se, but because I believe that sex is something very special, almost sacred. And as such I believe that the more it is shared, the less it means to share it. By way of analogy, when a person gets married for the first time, I find that to be a very exciting and meaningful event. When someone gets married for the fifth time, I don't really think it's significant any more. That is roughly how I feel about sex, so basically I have that belief deep in my core values which says "this isn't particularly special between you two, you're just the latest man". Again I know this to not be particularly rational (though to be fair, values often aren't), but it can be difficult to maintain rationality on such an emotionally charged topic. The most helpful thing I've found thus far (as I mentioned in another post) is Stoic practices, where I try to hold the negative feelings at arm's length and remind myself "it doesn't matter, what matters is that I conduct myself well". I'm not always able to do that either, but sometimes I am - and in those moments the practice does help.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
You're welcome! I agree that it's not wrong to use the story as a vehicle for serious ideas. The problem I've had with this example (and the others that @Lizzardspawn and I discussed) is not so much that they are serious issues, but that they are a) divisive, so they need to be handled with extreme care and b) Burlew doesn't handle them with care, instead getting preachy towards his readers. I can envision a well written story which has something like Haley not being taken seriously by some character because she is a woman, being hurt by it, and letting the reader ponder whether maybe Haley has a point in how she handled the situation. The sort of story which doesn't tell the reader "this is the correct opinion to hold on this divisive topic", but so gently persuades the reader to see the author's point of view that it almost doesn't feel as if the author is taking a side. But unfortunately, that isn't what we got in those instances.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 2, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
You're welcome. For what it's worth, I don't think it's a problem of values per se. I suspect (though I can't prove) that many if not most people are wired to want sexual exclusivity (including past exclusivity) with their partner. I've known plenty of people who don't have traditional values around sexuality, but who say they would rather not know about their partner's body count because it will just bother them. That suggests to me that, despite our culture's attempt to brush promiscuity (or even serial monogamy) off as "it's just sex, who cares", many people are in fact deeply wired to care about sex and to not be able to easily shrug the past off as "well, (s)he's with me now so it doesn't matter".


I agree with the advice of both @yofuckreddit and @ThomasdelVasto - this may be something you have to compromise on due to the nature of the society we live in, but not necessarily so because people waiting for marriage do still exist. Just be aware you're making it harder on yourself to find a partner if you make that a dealbreaker. Nothing wrong with that, one simply has to be aware of what they are setting themselves up for.


For some unsolicited advice of my own:


    

  • Be prepared that even if you figure you're ok with someone with a sexual past, your feelings might change. I didn't start to suffer from retroactive jealousy until my wife and I had been dating for 9 months.
    • 

  • If you think you might struggle with this topic, try to resist the temptation to sleep with a woman before getting married. My wife and I were already sleeping together when I started to struggle with her past, at which point there wasn't anything I could reasonably do about it (besides keep struggling) without being a massive hypocrite and the scum of the earth. What was I going to do, break up with my (then) gf because I felt bad because she had sex with other bfs? We were doing that very thing. Nor could I have tried to then find a woman who was a virgin without being a virgin myself (at least, not write being a massive hypocrite and the scum of the earth). I know how strong the temptation is - firsthand. But I wish I hadn't gone down that road.
    • 

  • If you pursue a relationship with a woman who has a past, and you start to struggle with feelings of retroactive jealousy, do not talk to her about it. I did this with my wife (while we were still dating, and once briefly after we got married) and all that it accomplished was that I hurt her deeply. Because what could she do? She couldn't change her past, after all, nor does she have a magic wand to wave to make my brain stop being hung up on this topic. Instead she rather bitterly remarked that she wished I had a gf before her whom I had slept with, that way it wouldn't be a struggle for our relationship. She also lamented that she was going to be a cautionary tale for Christian girls everywhere, that if they had sex with a man they didn't then marry it would ruin their marriage. For my part, all that happened was I got horrible guilt that I get to carry around that I hurt her, and moreover that I continue to have the feelings which hurt her. But I did at least learn to never speak of it again - I would bet dollars to donuts that my wife has no idea that I still struggle with these feelings of jealousy (though thankfully much less often than I used to, probably due to the wonders of habituation).
    • 



Regardless, good luck brother. I doubt it'll be easy for you, because it hasn't been for me. I can only hope that some of the advice here (from me but also others) will help to make it a little better. I wish that human psychology wasn't susceptible to this failure mode, but alas it is. I am truly rooting for you though.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
I do still have the book, turns out. Here's the quote (apologies for typos, I do the motte only on my phone for whatever reason):


"In this way, Tarquin is also symbolic of an older time when stories were likely to be more formulaic or clichéd--and less diverse. It's no accident that he's a wealthy old straight white man losing his marbles over the fact that the tale he is experiencing doesn't focus on the other straight white man at the expense of the black man, the woman, the genderqueer person, and even the Latino guest star. By rejecting his insistence that he take the lead, Elan is also saying that no, it's OK for not every story to have a blond white guy in the lead. It's OK for them to be the supporting character sometimes. They can still be a part of the overall tapestry of the narrative, and sometimes maybe they'll get great focus episodes. (Like this one!) As an author who is, himself, a straight white guy, it's difficult for me to always make a statement on the experiences of other demographic groups without running the risk of talking out of my ass. But I can make a statement about what I think we, the straight white men of the world, should be doing. And that's for us to recognize that it's not always about us, and that it doesn't make us weak just because someone else is the hero for a while. I'm sure the Tarquins of the real world will read this paragraph and lose their own marbles about it, but I don't see any point to writing if I can't express my own views."


At the time I read it, I had a few problems with this commentary from the author.


    

  • While I concede that he is the voice of God for this setting, and what he says about characters' internal motivations is by definition correct, the narrative he set down in the comic failed to communicate the ideas he claims Tarquin was following. The comic, as written, portrays Tarquin as simply prideful, not bigoted because he can't stand that minorities are getting the spotlight. His insistence that Elan take the lead appears to be motivated by self-interest (Elan, as his son, would be furthering his glory as the head of the dynasty) rather than identity politics. There is no indication at all that Tarquin would be ok with Elan not taking the lead if the party was full of blonde white men. So while Burlew has the right to tell us what he imagined the characters' thoughts to be, he didn't do a good job of showing us that in the work itself.
    • 

  • Burlew is certainly entitled to his thoughts on politics, identity or otherwise. And he is indeed entitled to write about those thoughts in his work, as he says in his last sentence. Nevertheless I find it extremely obnoxious for a lighthearted D&D comic to suddenly take a turn towards preaching and moralizing at me (even if it was in the writer commentary and not in the comic itself, at least not at this stage).
    • 

  • Burlew predicts that "the Tarquins of the world" will be upset by his paragraph of commentary. That is, he predicts that the people who have a problem with his writing here will do so because they are bigots who can't bear that the world isn't all about straight white men (since that is how the author himself conceives of Tarquin, it seems fair to draw this inference). But I wasn't annoyed by the paragraph because I have any problem with the comic having a diverse cast. I read the comic for a decade or more without ever once objecting to that. Nor do I have a problem with other stories featuring minorities - I enjoy many such stories because the identity politics are completely immaterial to me. No, I had a problem with Burlew's commentary because a) it was pushing divisive politics into what should be a fun comic strip, and b) the political angle he was taking wasn't even present in the comic until he forced it in via "word of God" commentary. And of course, I have a much bigger problem (as I already mentioned) with the author comparing me to his morality play villain just because I don't think that it was appropriate to bring politics into things.
    • 



				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Friday Fun Thread for October 31, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
Assuming I have the book still, sure. I'll have to look around to see if I kept it or got rid of it.


				

				

						

							

								
							

						


						
					

				
			


			

	


			
			
				

			
		

	






		

			
			
				Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 2, 2025
			
		

	

	

	

		
			

			

				

			

		

			


				

					
That's an interesting way to look at it. What's kind of ironic is we don't seem to have actually rid ourselves of those instincts, so much as changed what it's acceptable to apply them to. Like, look at how the left treats JK Rowling for example. There's precious little difference (except for no violence) between the way people treat her, and the way someone in the 15th century would've treated a heretic. Perhaps those instincts are too deeply embedded in our genes to be eliminated completely.